Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Georgia residents must take drivers ed. They have to. If they don't I demand that they turn in their car keys for bike helmets. You would think that people would be a lot more careful when they are pushing tons of metal around on the highways and by ways but not here in Georgia.
Let me give you a crash course people.
#1. When it rains you reduce your speed, turn on your wipers and headlights and you follow at a greater distance to allow for more stopping time. This does not mean drop to 20 miles an hour nor does it mean continue to barrel along at 70 like you normally do.
#2. A yellow light does not mean "Gun It!" It means slow down or maybe actually stop ahead of time so that you are not blocking the entire intersection thus snaggling traffic for people in the three roadways.
Especially do not block an intersection in front of a fire station. When stupid people like you get behind the wheel accidents happen and guess who gets called to the scene. The emergency personnel that you know have pinned down in their station. They have no qualms with plowing you out of the way and since they are bigger than you, something tells me you are going to get the short end of the stick.
#3. On the left side of your steering column there is a lever. You are probably familiar with it - it has the knob to turn on your headlights. But apparently there is something else you didn't know about it. If you push it up or down it locks and completes an electrical circuit that makes some lights on your car flash. You know what those flashing lights tell the rest of the drivers? That you intend to turn your car one direction or the other. Let me simplify it a little more for you - up is right; down is left.
One thing you should know about this wonderfully useful lever. It is most effective if you use it in advance of your turn. See, then the people behind you know what you intend to do before you do it. Using it in midturn is perfectly worthless.
#4. This one is a little tricky so I'll type slowly and use small words. The Yield sign means that you slow down or maybe even stop and give the right of way to the people coming down the road that you are turning onto. It does not mean that you should charge onto the six feet of roadway that you have left and shove your bumper in my wheel well while giving me one way directions with the appropriate finger. If I take your bumper home with me as a souvenir, guess who is getting the ticket for failure to yield. One hint. It ain't me.
And finally #5. And this is aimed at the lady in the black Audi who takes her children to the Creme de la Creme across the street from my subdivision. There is an enormous sign that says "No left turn." If you insist on continuing to make a left turn into the center, I will insist on removing your front bumper when I'm trying to get into my neighborhood without having my rear bumper and back seat ripped off by the people coming down the hill.
I will also be forced to sue the rings off your grill if I get T-boned because someone decided to use my turning lane as a travel lane trying to get around you and thus avoiding having their rear eaten by the cement truck that is barrelling down on them from the other side.
I'm sure there are about a million other rules of the road that you are oblivious to like how to merge, highway courtesy, and the definition of "speed LIMIT." Tip - they didn't print the sign like that because the word "suggestion" was too long. For now I will let you deal with our first five rules. Maybe next week we'll have another "Driving for Morons" course.
Until then, try not to kill anyone.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Welcome back Funny Fans! It's Thursday (and thanks to the pollen I'm zonked out on Benadryl - this should be fun!) and that means it's time for Show me the Funny! We didn't have a theme this week so if you are wondering if you missed something I assure you you did not.
It's a Free For All! Woo Hoo!
I did a little rooting around and scouring of the web this week to find you some new funny bloggers and sites. Let's hope that you find them as much fun as I did.
My new favorite bloggers to stalk are Dana and Joe over at Life is Good. Technically it's Dana's page but Joe is obviously a reliable source of fodder so I give him credit too. Join me in wishing them luck with their new plan to move to Florida - if they can take the neighbors.
Then I found Jeff Tomkins. His take on the worls is so similar to mine that I was thinking about asking him if I could send my clone to contribute to his blog but then I wondered what I was going to do with all my spare time. Anyway, if you want an idea of how similar we are you really must read his take on President Obama's recent gaffes. I should be on that PR crew.
And how could I turn down a blogger who refers to herself as Vodka Mom?! Uh oh! Mommy's drinkin' again! I Need a Martini Mom is probably not what you would expect from a kindergarten teacher but it just reminds you that teachers are sick twisted people that you trust your children too every day - good luck sleeping with that thought! Remind me not to join her circle of housesitting friends would ya? And you have to see what she's teaching her Kindergarten class about letter recognition.
This next one is for my pal Nut. We were just having a conversation about how the homework in elementary school has nothing to do with the children - it's parental competition. Well, Anna at Life Just Keeps Getting Wierder shared her take on it. Just watch your fingers; those glue guns can get HOT!!
And for our parting shot you have to check out J Jiggety. I am so frightened about sending Tuck to school now that I am shopping for homeschooling supplies. What am I going to pull out of HIS pockets next year?!
What did you find this week? Can you make me guffaw and laugh out loud? Try me! Or snag the button, blog your own and link back with linky! Don't forget to Live, Love and Laugh!!
Happy Sudafed Season everyone!
If you want to see what some REAL photographers were up to this week, check out more Wordless Wednesday at MomDot!
On a side note, it's another Free For All for Show me the Funny this week so I'll see you all tomorrow, right?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Throwdown participants - Lowes and Home Depot. They'll flip a coin to see who gets front yard and who gets back. Then they can set their dollar limit and redo their section. Then we'll have all of you vote on who is the landscaping headquarters! You can judge them on cleanliness while they are working; color; efficiency; and overall result. Winner gets my yard for any type of ad layout free of charge!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Now I know that we have established that I am a little old fashioned. So when I announce that things are a little Cleaver-ish around here no one is going to be TOO surprised right? I mean I do the cooking and the cleaning and the childrearing. I pack lunches and yes, loser me, I DO own an apron. It's not frilly and pink and stuff (a girl's gotta draw the line somewhere!) but I do own one and I wear it on a fairly regular basis.
Since Daddy-O has such long work hours I do end up doing a lot of the yard work too but he is still the guy with the lawn mower and the leaf blower and the weed eater. We share the whole mulching thing. And of course he is the grill master (most of the time). That's a sacred thing that even I know not to mess with.
But there is one role that I absolutely MUST address. Garbage Day. I don't know why it bothers me so. I mean I change stinky butts and clean up barf when it happens. How much grosser does it get? Maybe that's why it gets to me. I have my fair share of gross already.
I don't mind gathering the trash. That's not a big deal right? It's the taking it to the big can in the garage that annoys me. So you can imagine how I must feel about taking the big can to the curb. I know it's no big deal. I know that dealing with the stuff that goes into the can is more disgusting than dealing with the can itself. It just aggravates me when I have to take it down.
And I'm always freaked out about falling. I know that sounds bizarre but let me explain. Our driveway is pretty steep. You have to "gun it" to get up the driveway. One happy Wednesday I was taking the trash out and there was the smallest of slick spots on the driveway. I hit it and went down while holding onto the garbage can because (and this is exactly what went through my brain) I would be so embarassed if our garbage can went rocketing down the driveway, across the road, down across the neighbors' lawn and into their front door. Of course the lid flew open and came back over the top and smacked me in the face with one corner catching me right below the eye. Ever been smacked right above or below your eye? Then you know that blinding, tear flooding pain that makes you wish you could just pass out.
I walked around with a black eye for two weeks. It was all I could do not to tell people that Beloved gave it to me. Afterall if he had fulfilled his "man role" of taking out the trash I wouldn't have fallen or gotten smacked in the face. Since then it has become my absolute least favorite chore.
I hate cleaning out the fridge. I'm not a tremendous fan of bagging leaves or cleaning the toilet. Laundry makes me twitchy sometimes but I would do it all all day every day if it meant that I never had to take out the garbage again.
Monday, March 16, 2009
We are officially into Day 4 of Bleary Gray and Rainy. I am solar powered and that little snack of sunshine and 80 degrees I had last week has now run out. I would love nothing better than to crawl back down under the covers to the bottom of the bed and just laze the day away. We could read books and nap and starve. It would be wonderful.
(This is the weather I have!)
Unfortunately grown up life being what it is, I am required to come out of my cocoon and do laundry and de-fur the kitchen floor and feed people. Geeze! But I have decided that I will be moving. As soon as I figure out the where to part. Here are my thoughts.
I would like to move to a place that has four seasons. Spring and Fall of course are the longest two of the four. Summer can have two months and Winter gets exactly 30 days. Christmas should fall about 10 days into winter. I won't be burnt out on the cold and snow (which my magical land will have) but it will provide the perfect atmosphere for the holiday. The other 20 days are for the children to play. I'm such a considerate mother.
Now the weather. There are two options here for the rain. It can either rain at night with clearing about 90 minutes before sunrise. Or it can rain on Wednesdays. I decided that a nice soft soaking rain all day on Wednesday was a good idea because in my magical land Wednesdays will be Nap Day. And when do you sleep better than when you are listening to the soft steady soothing sound of rain. One day a week should be sufficient to keep us out of a drought condition but if it isn't I reserve Sunday afternoons for support rain.
(This is the weather in Magical Sarah Land!)
The temperature. Will seldom get above 90 and never below 15. Winds will blow in March and April for the purpose of kite flying but the rest of the year will have intermittent breezes. Grasses will always be soft and there will always be a pleasant smattering of fluffy white clouds.
And then lollipops and chocolate will grow on trees. Did I mention that the weather is getting to my brain? Man, I need some sun.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
What? You don't know what Pie Day is? 3-14. 3.14 is Pi in mathmatical terms. Today is 3-14. Therefore it is Pie Day!
Now the big dilemma. Apple or Cherry? Discuss and weigh in my 4 PM would ya? Maybe Marie would have been spared if she had said "Let them eay Pie!" I would have liked her better.
By the way Photobucket admins and morons.
I really wanted a picture of a cherry pie. Just the dessert item that is a crust that contains cherries. Just because other perverts searched "cherry pie" in hopes of finding something lewd or nasty doesn't mean the whole world is. And if you don't host images like that anyway, why would you feel it is necessary to limit my ability to search for a piece of cherry pie? If you don't host them they won't be there and therefore when I search for cherry pie I should only find pictures of the dessert, right?
And now you have ruined my Pie Day. Thanks a lot you knuckleheads!
I still love you Cherry Pie! I think Apple cheated in the whole "As American as..." debate.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
First let's take care of some business. Remember on Saturday how I asked what your guilty TV pleasure was? Remember how I said whoever confessed to Murder She Wrote or Matlock got free linky love? Turns out you are all reality TV weenies but Kim did confess that Angela Lansbury makes her a little twitchy. Angela Lansbury was Mrs. Potts in Beauty and the Beast. Does that mean teapots make Kim twitchy? I dare you to ask her. Just wear your goggles.
While you're at Wally World you may pick up a new copy of Single Ladies. But before you do make sure you study up on Chris's dance moves so that you can do the song justice. I think Chris advises stretching first?
Now I wish there was more Funny to go around but folks just haven't been able to battle their Spring Fever with funny. So go! Go into the blogosphere and bring back a bounty for Mr. Linky! Fly like the wind my humor spies!
BTW, who figured out the band responsible for the $1.2 million dollar drug round up? If you remembered that Phish is back on tour after a five year sabbatical then you probably guessed right. Gotta love good old Phish!
Now, for next week's Funny I need you to help me with a little research. I know that it's still a few weeks off but I want to hear all about April Fools Day. Best prank you've ever played. Best prank you've ever been victim too. Have you ever turned a prank around on someone? Snag the button over there and take it with you to post. Come on people! Show me the Funny!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Daylight Saving Time goes into effect in most of U.S.
By Michael Kitchen
NEW YORK (MarketWatch) -- Most of the U.S. will move to Daylight Saving Time at 2 a.m. Sunday. Arizona, Puerto Rico, Hawaii, the U.S. Virgin Islands and American Samoa are the exceptions, as they do not observe the shift in time. The U.S. previously switched to Daylight Saving each year on the first Sunday in April, but in 2007, the start date was moved to the second Sunday in March. Standard Time is slated to resume on the first Sunday in November.
Real Housewives of Orange County, Atlanta, and now New York. I don't know what annoys me most. That they have their own show to show off their self indulgence, egotism, cattiness and nonsense, or that they refer to themselves as "housewives."