Journey on a Winding Road: You Have to Find your Place.

Debbie over at Mommie Mayhem wrote a post Thursday about a bit she saw on Oprah. When you had children did you stop being "you" and "just" become Mom?

Of course it got my brain going. Is that what happened to me? Did I "lose"myself? Is that where this craziness came from? Back through the archives I went searching to see where and if I stopped being me.

When Mo was born I was Appointment Coordinator/Mom. Nope that wasn't it. I still had a professional life. When Tuck was born I was Assistant Director/Mom and got promoted to Director/Mom so that couldn't have been it. You can't score a promotion if you aren't focused on more than just one aspect of your life. Then Munch came.

I was working as the director of a child care center and was putting in 14 hour days. I had 104 children in my care and 16 staff (where I should have had 21). I was forever pregnant and completely under water with paperwork and staffing issues. In the 10 hours I wasn't at the office, five were spent sleeping and the other five were divided between cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children aka being Mom. I went to bed one night and woke up in the wee small hours the next morning in labor. I went to the hospital, had a baby and didn't go back to work.

At first the full stop was wonderful. I was able to stay home with the wee leprechauns and be a really great mom. I was able to play, and read, and snuggle. Then I started into the housekeeping stuff. I decluttered, deep cleaned, organized and caught up. I felt like a super hero. But then it all became routine.

Every morning, I get up, make the beds, start the laundry, tidy the kitchen, vacuum the livingroom. I pack lunches and change diapers. I shuffle people from place to place. I make menus and go grocery shopping.

Did I lose who I was? No. I just became a different person. I don't resent being a mom. I think I would like to squeeze out a little more time for me but who wouldn't? But maybe there's the rub. I didn't lose me but me became so focused on my children that even when I had some time, I didn't know how to spend it. I would go to Barnes & Noble and just wander without ever picking up a book.

So I started to find new hobbies. I got back to sewing and knitting. I returned to my love of cooking and started concocting new recipes and tweaking old ones. I started not one but two blogs. I started a group on Cafe Mom called What's my Motivation?! where we try to help and encourage one another to be more whole person focused and work on personal goals. I started working out again.

Maybe none of those things will ever change the world but they all have changed me. They have given me other places in this big wide world. I'm not JUST Mom in the house doing the mom things. I know when I haven't done those things in a while. I start to spiral. I start to get down at the smallest whim. I turn moody and grumpy.

Again, none of this is a diagnosis or a treatment. It's just my way of controlling and coping. Some people will say that it is distraction and maybe one day I will learn that it is. Maybe there is a bigger underlying issue that I need to deal with but I would have no idea what that issue is. For now I'm content knowing that just by serving a purpose for my friends in the Motivators, or for my readers here in Bloggy Land or for myself when I pound the pavement every morning, I am making myself "better."

I Sent Hate Mail to Target!

And I don't even really hate them!

This was a mess! Don't offer me a multiple child cart if you aren't going to make your aisles wide enough for me to use it. This is exactly why I don't shop at WalMart - because they don't even give me the option. But those fine folks at Target in an effort to capitalize on my demographic (psychotic mother of three under 6) gave me the option.

They just didn't bother to try to operate said carts while they did layout. The main aisles were wide and open - thank you. But then I tried to go between the clothing racks.

First off, the clothes didn't seem to be in any kind of order. Let's put a rack of infant boys here next to a rack of toddler girls. Then a rack of toddler boys next to a clearance rack of women's workout clothes! What in the world! Let's put the girls clothes beside the women's clothes and the girls tights with the men's socks! Holy crap!! Was this put together by a random layout generator?

Then let's see if this lady who didn't have a choice but to bring her three children with her can negotiate this little shop of horrors. We'll stagger the racks so that there aren't any straight lines and she has to constantly turn ninety degree angles. But we'll make it super challenging (because after all this is a Super Target) by making sure that all of the racks are spaced just far enough apart to fit the cart through but not wide enough to turn at all. She will be forced to move in straight lines as if on train tracks while trying to keep her children from pulling everything off the racks which are in their faces because the aisles are so narrow.

For the amusement of our security team who is watching on the monitors in the back, let's make sure that there are at least seven team members who can see her at all times. We won't expect them to talk to her or ask her if she needs help because if she did she could go talk to those four ladies standing at the customer service desk talking about tonight's TV lineup.

Oh and we just HAVE to throw the sample lady into the mix with her double frosted red dye slathered sugar cookies. She'll be a big hit with the three children who are already bouncing up and down in their seats while Mom tries to rummage through 18 mo, 5T, 3T, 24mo (no lie! That was the order!) sweatpants looking for the last 4T.

Do you know that I ended up leaving my cart (with the three children in it) in the main aisle of the store and walking a full 10 yards away to get $6 worth of tights? There is no way I am going back there during Christmas to shop like that if they haven't fixed the problem.

I would expect these kinds of things in the middle of the holiday rush in a store that has been open for years. The associates really don't care at that point. I know that - I worked retail for 5 years right out of college. I get the holiday burn out.

But this store has been open 17 days. That's right people! Just over 2 weeks! You would think that the displays would at least make a little sense. And to those gifted individuals that did the store layout? Get a cart and go shopping in your own store! I mean it! Take 3 of your statues - I mean associates - and put them in a handicap wheelchair cart, behind a regular cart, and behind a multiple child cart and make them walk through the store with you. Or better yet, do it yourself.

In the meantime, you better pray that I don't take those spammers up on their offer to become a secret shopper. I've got your number.