Journey on a Winding Road: Looking out the Window.

Yesterday was a brutal day for me. Pretty much moving from one piece of crummy news to another. I would no sooner get myself put back together and start to lose the red rings around my eyes than the next phone call or the next piece of news would come down. It was one of those days that should have put me into a total and complete tailspin. But it didn't.

Something very odd and unexpected happened in the middle of my day. A person who I have barely known a week sent me an e-mail. It started with "I don't know why I am telling you all of this but somehow I feel like maybe you can help." The story went on and as I read I knew where she was coming from and the response came flowing out without any fight or doubt that it was the right answer for her and where she was. When I was done and hit the send button, I sat back in my chair and...smiled?

That didn't make any sense! I was having one of the worst days in several months and I should have been absolutely miserable. I should have been angry that someone dared to need me. I should have been hopeless and should have had a response along the lines of "You think you have problems! Let me tell you MY story." But it wasn't there. Never for a minute did it occur to me to think, "Good. I'm not alone in being miserable." Instead I just wanted to encourage and help that person with what they were going through.

For ten minutes I was free of my own issues and I was helping someone. And it made me happy. It made me remember my purpose.

I know that my problems are still here and I know that they aren't going to go away just because I'm ignoring them and distracting myself with encouraging others. But they are somehow a little easier to handle when I don't wallow in them.

In my message to my friend yesterday I wrote things that spoke to me too. Maybe if I take my own medicine, this journey will be a little easier.

Journey on a Winding Road: Outlets.

I have to confess that when I started this Journey I was sure that it was really just for my benefit and my personal therapy. As I read comments and as I hear from people I am learning that there are a lot of you out there who have experienced or are experiencing all of the things that I am. You have all taken your own road but we are all heading in the same direction.

Which brings me to outlets. This is my personal outlet but I also use baking, cleaning, blogging, and encouraging others to help me work through my brain junk. So I am opening my outlet up.

If you would be interested in posting your story here (by name or anonymously), please drop me a line at ineedthezoo(at)yahoo(dot)com. I'll be happy to publish for you complete with linky love if you would like. I know how I feel about putting "random" information on my blog that doesn't fit with my theme so if you feel like you would love to write about your own experience but just can't bring yourself to put it up in your "home blog" feel free to use my space free of charge.

BTW! You probably didn't notice but this is actually post 101. I completely missed 100 but I can't say that anything other than the Groundhog would have been more appropriate!

Healthy Journeying.

Journey on a Winding Road: Could there be a Better Day?

This has been absolutely one of the worst days in a long while. I barely slept last night despite going to bed at 10:30. I woke up with strange dreams; I couldn't get comfortable in my own bed; my brain was running like a freight train. I woke up more exhausted than when I went to bed.

The children have been fighting all day. And not just "He's picking on me!" fighting. They have been pulling hair, attempting to scratch faces, squealing, screaming and generally in one another's faces to the point that I'm not sure which child is which.

The noise has been beyond unbearable. The cacophany of squeals and screeches has smashed into the glaring yaps and barks of the two dogs trying to chase squirrels off the deck from inside the house. The TV's clamor has only compounded the already pounding ruckus and chaos.

And my ears seem to be the only ones registering any sound. "Please clean up your playroom, " was met with jumping up and down and screaming and wailing and gnashing of teeth. I had to leave the room to control my temper and apparently did a really pitiful job of it because my hairbrush snapped in half in my hands.

I would cry but I can't. I would yell but that would just be more noise. I would take a nap but what's the point? My body seems completely unfamiliar with all versions of rest.

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And that is what a bad day looks like to me. On a good day I would have told you that the children were making me crazy with their picking at one another. The dogs never would have registered and I would have used words like "whining," "temper fit," "giggles," and "shrill laughter."

On a good day I would still have a hairbrush. On a good day I would throw in the towel, pop some popcorn and let us all just veg out for the afternoon.

But today isn't a good day. Today I am on a low. Today I am facing the fact that I am one of millions of Americans with undiagnosed depression who has not sought professional help and who probably won't because of the stigma that I see attached to it.

Perception is reality so this is my perception and therefore my reality in regards to depression. People who are suffering from depression are on medications that they cannot function without. Women who are suffering from depression are one missed snack away from becoming unfit mothers who can't distinguish hallucinations from reality. Admitting depression means I need to be on a couch somewhere discussing my childhood with a perfect stranger in an attempt to regulate my medication.

Is any of this true? Absolutely not! Women can be good mothers and still cope with depression. People who are on medications for depression are just like people who being treated for any other ailment - they are doing it to feel better. Depression does not equal therapy although some people can benefit from it and resolve some of the causes of thier depression through the treatment.

This is where I am beginning my journey. But because I have a serious aversion to going to the doctor; because I would rather shove bamboo under my finger nails than even attempt taking an asprin; because I inherited incredible stubbornness from my grandfather, I am going to take every step and "natural" path I can before I look to a doctor and pharmaceuticals. Call it foolish. Call it making things harder. But it's my journey.

I hope to share successes and failures. I'll be researching and studying and sharing my journey but don't worry. The Bowl won't be dedicated to me and my situation. Depression is a PART of my life but not every day is a bad day.