Answering Life's Mysteries!

I haven't taken you on a tour of the news in a while so I decided to see if there was anything worth while to share. Hooo Doggie! (And yes I DID just type that!)

Want to know why there's always a line at the ladies room and NOT at the mens room? It's because the majority of them are right handed and now the line on their side is going to get even shorter.

Store launches underpants for left-handed men

I had no idea. But now that there is equality in men's underpants, I know I will sleep better tonight!

Want to know why hiking is so popular in Europe? It's the scenery. Definitely the scenery - or maybe not.

Kids, it's a nature walk -- sounds like fun!

Because handing the bears their food already naked relieves the flossing issues that the furry fellows have.

Want to know why it's cooler to work in Australia? Because you get to wear honest to goodness powered ties!

Shirtmaker designs tie for your iPod

And The Man thought he won when he took Solitaire off the computer. Hah!

Want to know why your milk tastes different? Because it's chilled! Or at least coming from a chilling cow.

Comfy cows more productive, more relaxed?

Now if you read that article all the way through you noticed that these cows in padded pens have an issue. They now will be needing regular hoof-icures. Hate to tell you but the Happy Cows aren't in Cali anymore!

I'm going to this next year just so I can shake this dude's hand. World Beard and Moustache Championships

Some days I wish I could make this stuff up. And then other days (like today) I look at Reuters and wonder how I can get a job. Odd news ROCKS!

Happy Blogoversary, Quirky!

Woo Hoo! I made it to a year. And I still have regular readers. Not many, but they are there. And I greatly thank all four of you. You are so very sweet. Go have a Little Debbie on me.

So I guess you guys think you know me because I got a whopping (brace for it) 2 questions from last week's interview invite. That's ok. I don't find myself very interesting either. But maybe I will by the end of this post.

To the questions first:

My bloggy buddy Staci asked me "How do you stay sane? Because I think I just may be losing it!"

See people! I AM so sane. Staci says so! So stop trying to get me into that mattress room already!

Ok, so honestly? I think you have to lose it a little. I think if you don't go a little crazy, you end up with much bigger issues. I also think that I have managed to hang on to what little I have left simply by being a horrible creature of habit. I have routines that I do in my sleep some mornings/evenings. How else do you make sense of me getting up at 2 AM and making coffee and then going right back to bed? (It was darn good coffee too!) And I wonder why the boy is having some OCD issues...

And Amanda sent me this little query. "You kinda left us hanging on the new neighbor situation. How's that going?"

Funny you should ask. It's very odd being a "young married couple" (both of us are still in our 30's) with 3 children. Our old neighbors were 30's with no children and were off to the lake and football games and concerts and long cruise vacays all the time. Our new neighbors may be a smidge younger but they too are out and about every weekend. We keep trying to get together for dinner (we've managed once) but midweek is really the only time they are home and with the kids back in school, late nights midweek just don't work. So for now we see each other briefly on the weekends and will eventually get to know them. It's just going to take a while.

And since that's all the questions there were, I'm going to inflict some Facts about Me on you.

Three Things that Annoy me:
1. People who repeat themselves repeat themselves repeat themselves. I heard you the first time and chose to ignore you. If I needed to hear you again, I would have asked you to repeat yourself. ONCE. Please note - it's not limited to children who repeat themselves, repeat themselves...well you get it. It's ALL people who do it.

2. Empty things that are just left behind. If it's garbage, pitch it. If it needs to be refilled, fill it. Please do not leave it for me.

3. Perfectly capable people who ask for stupid things that they could do or get for themselves. It's a paper towel and it's 2 feet from you. I have to walk 10 YARDS to get it for you. And before you ask me to get it for you will you at least make an effort to find it/get it for yourself? I am not a member of the sporting group; I do not retrieve.

Three Things that will Tick me off:
1. Being inconsiderate of those around you. Please do not stop in the middle of the grocery aisle with your cart sitting cattywampus so that you can read the labels of 16 Progresso soup cans to see if they contain leeks. Pay attention moron before I V-8 you in front of your family and yo momma!

2. Children who's parents did not take the time to teach them manners and the parents who expect me to tolerate their 9 year old kicking my 2 year old in the head. I will turn the parent over my knee and make sure they stand at attention for a month for that one. And the child? Will become my indentured servant and when they can demonstrate that they will never make the mistake their parent made, I will release them to military school.

3. Finding out that someone not only found my secret Hershey's stash in the back of the freezer, but they disposed of it as well. This is a crime punishable by a week scrubbing the toilet with a toothbrush. Some folks in this house better hope they have practiced some serious dental hygiene.

And finally Three Things that Amuse me:

1. People watching. I hate shopping but I will go sit in the food court for a good laugh every now and then. You can see them. The mall employees who would rather hang themselves by their badge lanyards. The teenie bopper girls who suddenly start to strut when a cute guy hits their radar (usually the employees who probably want to hang themselves BECAUSE of the teenie boppers). The dads who are pushing a stroller containing a screamer and frantically scanning the food court for someone, ANYONE who might resemble their wife. And the wives who are hiding in the little cut outs in the wall that keep peeking their heads out to giggle at their hubbies.

2. Holier than thou attitudes. Nothing amuses me more than people who complain about other people but won't name names because they don't want to smear the offender. Ummm, I think you missed it. These people make my amusement list because they seem to miss the part where they are dropping right to the level of the people they are fussing about. "I don't like whiners so I'm going to stand here and whine about the whiners that I don't like." I think that's funny.

3. Life. Life amuses me because Mrs. Gump was right; you never know what you're going to get. You may think you know what the big story on the news is going to be. You may think you know how a person is going to react to something you have to tell them. You may think you have it all figured out. But then a fly shoots up your nose, causes you to sneeze into your boss's lemonade and the video that tomorrow's blind date catches from the next table ends up being a viral sensation on YouTube.

So I work my way back around to Staci's question and the answer is - Go ahead. Lose it. It will be all right.

Thank you all for hanging out with me for the past year. May the next one be as fun as this one. And may your water always be blue and always go down.

The Pain of Volunteerism

There are some days when I think being a hermit is an awesome thing. Today is one of those days.

I have a friend who agreed to be a room parent but in a very limited way because her job is incredibly stressful and when you tack on our lovely suburban nightmare traffic scenario, well, she's lucky if she can get home much less to school. When she agreed to this insanity there were three other parents also signed up. Guess who flaked?

So last evening, my wonderful, patient, overachieving, faithful to a fault friend (you know I love you!!) called me to get some help with a letter to send to the parents. I think I could taste her stress level over the phone. And she doesn't have her first RP meeting until tonite.

Bless her big ole volunteering heart!

And then you have my beloved sister. She may mock me on the phone. She may have lobbed many a joke about my physical appearance and mental well being out there into the atmosphere. But she has a lovely heart and is a very generous soul. Being such a wonderful person, she decided that she would try to volunteer at her local hospital. She had orientation this morning. Please read along with me as I share the text message exchange we had DURING her orientation.

B: Is it possible to commit suicide by paper cut?
Me: Do I even want to know?!
B: Is it considered murder if someone bores you to death?

Me: I take it the job hunt isn't going well and you don't feel like doing school work? (And then I tried to call her thinking she was at home going looney.)

B: Can't talk. I'm in the hospital orientation. ALL DAY....

3 minutes later

B: Kill me now. It would be a mercy killing.

Me: Are you going to do this to me all day? Because I can't just start giggling like this in public!

B: Probably, unless boredom does prove to be lethal after all.

2 minutes later
B: Reading my text books is like riding all the coasters at Six Flags by comparison.

Me: HOLY CRAP! (Because I know my sister loathes her finance courses and if she prefers that to orientation...?!)

B: I'm pretty sure these chairs are banned by the Geneva convention.
Me: You know I'm going to blog this right?
B: Glad I could help out with the blog fodder. At least something good will come out of suffering. All things work together...
Me: Think N could use the chairs as torture training?

30 minutes later
B: It's a conspiracy! When you are done here they end up treading you for back injuries!
Me: **I lost this line somehow. I made some comment about an elaborate marketing ploy.

B: Of course the injury could be from the chair or throwing yourself out of the chair in an attempt to end this torture.

Me: Aren't you glad you signed up for this?
B: On the upside the quality of my doodles is reaching my precollege level. By the end of the day I should be at bachelor degree doodles if not graduate level.

Me: So you'll be ready to illustrate "The Dino under the Table"?

B: Seriously. (and a note I've edited out for other reasons)
Me: Should I call N and have him send rum to the house?

That was an hour and a half ago and I haven't heard from her. I think the chair finally broke her!

So here's to all the volunteers out there. Keep doing what you're doing. I'll be in my cave playing hermit.

Disenchanted or Spring Fever?

I am trying to decide if this recent blah period I have been trudging through is me being disenchanted with blogging, bored with life in general or just a seriously bad case of Spring Fever.

The news has been all about the economy and The First Dog and we all know that story has been baked, batter dipped, fried, rolled in butter and confectioners sugar and DONE! The dog ate the outcome and we all know what comes next. A big pile of... well, stuff. Television programming has been vile at its best and stale saltines at its worst so that has been worthless for fodder.

Even my kids have been boring this week! Unless you consider the hour of insanity that ensued after I gave Munch Tylenol. You would think I had let her pull a Michael Phelps! Crazy!

Anyway, I would love to go out in the yard and do some spring planting but flowers come at a cost and well, that's just not in the budget right this second. Even going to the park has become routine lately because the kids all see me coming and run whimpering to their mommies muttering something about the "Manners Nazi is here." That was fun though - for the first week. Now my kids are giving me the stink eye because no one will play with them.

So I take on the spider webs up in the vaulted ceiling and clean out the van. I mop and fold laundry and I pine for the days when my children were psychotic, my house was a disaster and the dog was the normal one.

Show me the Funny: I'm a Lazy Butt Edition!

In case you missed the memo, it's Spring Break here so we aren't really doing much more than watching movies, playing playdough, and counting down the days to reinforcements - I mean, Grammy and Poppie and Auntie B.

That being said I haven't been doing too much hunting for funny this week - as a matter of fact big hypocrite that I am, I haven't been reading much of anything this week. That's your warning. Next week should be loaded with hysterical catch up reading.

In the meantime, I'm going to toss up Mr. Linky and preload some funnies that came to my inbox this week. Enjoy, snag some more and by all means...

Live, Love and Laugh!

Show me the Funny: In Pictures and Video!

I think I have spent the better part of this week laughing until I had tears rolling down my face. There are some completely hysterical videos and pictures out there this week. From spiders to speech impediments and from hairdos to barstools. Thank you a million times over for making me laugh this week gang!

If you think you can hang with these rock stars go ahead and snag the button, blog/vlog your funny and link away!

So Merrie kicked my week off with her National Geographic Spiders. I keep looking over my shoulder for the Crack Spider personally because with the amount of caffiene I've been working on lately it's only a matter of time!

Then Jay decided that he's going to bump Clinton off What Not to Wear and made me rethink my stance on wall paper - and put on a hat.

My sister of course is constantly on a mission to find the kind of stuff that makes me snort. If this isn't the most ingenious recycling of a lawmower I don't know what is!

Rachel let me know that I'm not the only person who thinks there should be a revival of Kids say the Darndest Things with her cursing daughter who has a sock issue.

If you are a fan of the Worst of Idol you have to head to Vegas and check out the little gift Tasha wrapped up for you in a buck toothed bow. You may want to have someone standing by with their finger on speed dial for 911. I couldn't decide what was more critical - my bleeding ears or the hyperventilation from laughing.

Now for those of you who can't open video at work, I'll toss you a bone. You have to place a bid on the ficus (or get cursed in Armenian) over at "Chrissy's" place.

Way to go gang! Normally I'm scrambling on Thursday to find the truly funny but you all served it up on a stand up mike!

Two Cents Tuesday: Givin' It Up!

Tuesday, Tuesday! (da da. da da da dum.) So good to me! A time when I can rant all I want for freeeeeeeee! Ok I'll spare you the rest but you should probably know that one of these days I'm going to vlog Two Cents Tuesday and you'll be stuck with the real songs throbbing in your brain all day long. And that is your warning.

Want to play Two Cents Tuesday with me? Well you can't. Not unless you vow to play Show me the Funny too. Ok, so that was a completely made up rule because TCT isn't even mine - it's Tu Tu's and she says that there are no rules and since it's her game she can do that. Because she's cool like that. And I'm really jealous.

What was I saying? Oh yes! Today's Two Cents - Giving. Now it's funny that this should be the topic this week. This week is the Rhino's birthday. And I have no present lined up. As a matter of fact his birthday is TOMORROW and I have no clue. And I have no chance to go snag one without him in tow.

Did I mention that this Mother of the Year candidate had to schedule his four year check up complete with shots ON his birthday? I honestly didn't have a choice people! He has to have the shots to register for school and registration is tomorrow and Thursday. And before you ask me why I didn't do it early, it's because the peds office wouldn't let me, OK?!?!

So for my son's birthday I'm giving him a trip to the pediatrician, shots and an audience as the girls have to go with me. This is going to ROCK! (You got the sarcasm, right?)

Let's take another spin on giving shall we? Lent and giving it up. I didn't do Lent this year. A) I'm only Catholic on paper and until my husband decides to take a real interest and teach me that's all the further I'll get. And B) the economy has pretty much shot all my little luxuries (all three that I had) already so there wasn't much more to give up. Except blogging and my sister would get the shakes if I quit for a while so that was out for the sake of family. (I can blame it on her, right? That's allowed?)

But my husband did give up some things. Soda - an annual favorite. French fries and fast food in general - no biggie since I've been packing lunch anyway. And sweets - pretty big considering me and my baking fetish. I don't really understand Lent that much. Aren't you supposed to give up something and in it's place spend that time and energy focusing on God and His sacrifice? Something tells me the fries weren't really what the church had in mind, but fries aren't that important to me so it wouldn't be a big sacrifice.

And how about one more take on giving. The phrase "givin' it up for..." I don't understand that phrase. Is it that strenuous to applaud or cheer for someone who has done a good job? Why do I have to "give it up?" Can't I just share a round of applause? How about show my appreciation for? Oh wait. That's not slang-y enough. But that's a whole different blog post. I don't get a lot of slang talk but we can talk about that later.

In the meantime, give it up for my pal TuTu and her Two Cents Tuesday! (aaaaaah, woot woot, cheer, roaring applause, etc.)

I'm Rethinking my Summer Plans.

It was sheets day today and as we all know when I clean I start to think strangely. I was revisiting my Summer Plans as outlined at the Zoo. After checking all of my various e-mails (which very few REAL people ever use), I found that I had no offers from my multitude of corporate choices. "Why?" I was wondering to myself. And then I realized.

Anyone can ask a bunch of corporate sponsors for this, that, or the other thing with selfish purposes behind the whole thing. How was I going to let them know I was a unique selfish person? So I decided on something. I am going to take a page from Bobby Flay and I'm going to set up the Redo the Zoo Throwdown!

Phase one - The Landscaping!
Throwdown participants - Lowes and Home Depot. They'll flip a coin to see who gets front yard and who gets back. Then they can set their dollar limit and redo their section. Then we'll have all of you vote on who is the landscaping headquarters! You can judge them on cleanliness while they are working; color; efficiency; and overall result. Winner gets my yard for any type of ad layout free of charge!

Phase two - The Remodel!

Throwdown participants - Behr vs. Glidden and Pier One vs. Rooms to Go. I think those are fair match ups, don't you? And when I said remodel I wasn't talking about tearing out walls or anything like that. I want rooms repainted and new furniture and decor elements. One can have the livingroom and one can have the playroom/office. I'll even let them buddy up with Ikea and The Container Store for storage solutions. Tell me that's not an awesome Throwdown! Same stakes and you get to judge them on the same criteria.

Phase three - The Road Trip!

This was a little tougher. On this one I think we have to have Winnebago and WalMart vs. Airstream and Target. I'll take one trip. One team will supply us going north and one coming home to the south. This will be judged on economics, comfort and ease of travel. You'll get the same number of stops and days on the road. Readers, you will be able to weigh in but it will ultimately be up to me and my fellow travelers.

I can't believe my mailbox has yet to explode. Maybe I was right. Maybe I should stick to the blogging and leave the PR and reviews to the experts!