Bizarre News Wrap Up!

What would my triumphant return week be without a little T.B. Maid reporting?  Again if you have just joined us since my hiatus, this is the part of the blog where I go in search of all the absolutely absurd news I can find and make fun of it.  Brace yourself - this is when it gets (not so) good!

Here's a little tidbit I found today - Wacky crimes: The best of police blotters from Palm Beach County and the Treasure Coast
This is perfect!  It's an end of the month round up of all the loonies and their antics.  And the paper does it EVERY month.  How great is that paper!  You have to read through a few of these blurbs.  I think my personal favorite is the guy who ratted out his own weed operation - IN THE BUFF!

Here's a reason to clean out the car. - Bear crashes in runaway car
How do you explain that to your parents?  "I swear Mom! I parked the car right there!  Oh, look!  There it is...and a bear is eating the interior."  Better yet, how would you like to be the adjuster assigned to that claim?

This just strikes me as a bit gross. Churchill's dentures fetch nearly $24,000
Why in the name of dental floss would anyone want a pair of 60+ year old dentures?  Yes, Mr. Churchill was a fantastic man.  Sure World War II artifacts are cool.  Not sure this one is one of the cool ones.  But the bigger question is, how exactly does a pair of dentures correct a lisp?

And this one gives me some inspiration to keep working out.  Florida great-grandma takes a bite out of crime
She is 73 years old!  Not only does she have the gumption to bite the bad guy but she hangs on to a (I have to assume) speeding truck as it tears down the highway.  The last line got me - she almost lost a tooth.  Take that Churchill!  You're fancy pants bajillion dollar dentures can't do THAT!

And let's wrap up with one from right here in the neighborhood (ok, across town but when you read this you'll know why I'm ready to let them STAY across town).   Armored escort for Snellville's snail ornament
First we protest the snail as a mascot.  Then we buy Sunday liquor sales by telling folks they can have their snail if they pass the ordinance.  Now we will be providing an armored transport for snail ornaments to get to a...farmer's market?  Look at that Es Car Go!

So there you have it..all the news that SHOULDN'T have been reported!  But before I go, let's get a photo of the week, shall we?

Yes, those are safety pins but don't worry.  They're just glued on.  I have yet to figure out why but if anyone knows Lucy McRae of Australia, perhaps they could ask and get back to me.

This is T.B. Maid reporting.  May your water stay blue and always go down!

High Five for Eloping!

My hubs and I have a tradition.  At some point during every wedding we attend, we look at each other and share a high five.  We eloped so we didn't have to deal with all the lunacy that goes with planning a wedding.  This week's news story about "Lois" has me high fiving him daily.

Surely you've heard about Lois!  The Texas corpse flower that is about to burst forth any minute?  That's right people.  This is a gigantic (apparently gorgeous) flower that smells like a rotting corpse.  And it is about to bloom in the middle of the Houston Museum of Natural Science.

And what does that have to do with weddings, you ask?  Well, a darling couple booked a small, intimate wedding amidst the delights and beauty of the butterfly garden.  Which is...?  Right next door to Lois.  So not only is the museum open 24-7 so that people can witness this "magnificent" bloomin' event (so much for small) but they get to deal with the stench of a rotting body at the same time (how's that for intimacy?). 

I know that you all think I make these things up sometimes but here is your proof.  I am linking you up to the WEBCAM of Lois.  That's right people!  They have a webcam so we can watch Lois show her stuff.  And if you really want to see the original news story you can check my facts on that too.

So now; you tell me.  Don't you think I owe it to the world to give my hubby a high five right now?

Answering Life's Mysteries!

I haven't taken you on a tour of the news in a while so I decided to see if there was anything worth while to share. Hooo Doggie! (And yes I DID just type that!)

Want to know why there's always a line at the ladies room and NOT at the mens room? It's because the majority of them are right handed and now the line on their side is going to get even shorter.

Store launches underpants for left-handed men

I had no idea. But now that there is equality in men's underpants, I know I will sleep better tonight!

Want to know why hiking is so popular in Europe? It's the scenery. Definitely the scenery - or maybe not.

Kids, it's a nature walk -- sounds like fun!

Because handing the bears their food already naked relieves the flossing issues that the furry fellows have.

Want to know why it's cooler to work in Australia? Because you get to wear honest to goodness powered ties!

Shirtmaker designs tie for your iPod

And The Man thought he won when he took Solitaire off the computer. Hah!

Want to know why your milk tastes different? Because it's chilled! Or at least coming from a chilling cow.

Comfy cows more productive, more relaxed?

Now if you read that article all the way through you noticed that these cows in padded pens have an issue. They now will be needing regular hoof-icures. Hate to tell you but the Happy Cows aren't in Cali anymore!

I'm going to this next year just so I can shake this dude's hand. World Beard and Moustache Championships

Some days I wish I could make this stuff up. And then other days (like today) I look at Reuters and wonder how I can get a job. Odd news ROCKS!

Musings from the Mud.

God bless Noah's wife. That poor woman must have been just about out of her gourd when the 40 days were up. A - she had to live on a boat. B - that boat was filled to the rafters with critters of every shape and size. C - she was locked in with her family and with 3 boys I'm sure there were some fights going on.

(Our downspout beside the garage)

*Editorial note - I apologize for the quality of the pictures. I took them with the Crackberry and it was during the torrential downpour phase so they are blurred from rain and grainy from the camera.*

I'm just sayin'. We've had 10 days of steady rain and I'm about out of my gourd; 4 times that?! She should be sainted. Here at Zoo Suburbia we managed to avoid any severe impact from the disaster that is Georgia right now. We had a little water in our garage where the footer drains got overwhelmed but that was it. Our neighbors? About 4 inches of water in their basement. (The water that ran around the neighbor's basement)

Yes, these are the neighbors who just bought the house. We called the old neighbors and they lamented the fact but were eternally grateful that they weren't there. The neighbors two doors down? Watched as two feet of water poured into their basement. Their front yard sits right over the storm drain so they were the lowest point on our side of the street and were bound to get something.

(The water that was headed to the storm drain in front of Neighbor #2)

But while we are on the subject...My hubby is a nut job. Love him but he's a total nut job. All day yesterday I was checking in with him and he kept saying, "It's just rain!" Like I was some kind of over reacting basket case who needed to be committed. (Pass on that if you know what's good for you!!) Then he came home and was just amazed by the pictures on the news and was gushing about how the river was swollen to the bottom of the bridge and how there were trees down on side streets around our area. Did I act like he was an over reacting basket case who needed to be committed? No. I did not. But I DID give in to the temptation to say, "It's just rain!"

The wee ones are home from school today while folks try to clean up and the waters recede some. And as a result I have decided that Gilbert Godfrey will forever be banned from this house. They were chilling out watching Thumbelina and of course he does the voice of some beetle in the movie. A - that's grating enough. But then B came down. Everything they said had that shrill nasaly whine of his even if they weren't trying to. It was like some subliminal something crawled into their voice box and MADE them talk like that. I wanted to stab my ears with the potato peeler. No more Mr. Godfrey. Even typing his name makes my head throb.

And of course with everyone home, I'm all out of whack. I walked around in a circle in the kitchen this morning completely unable to even think about what I was doing much less get anything accomplished. That definitely added to the headache factor.

The sun has finally decided to let us know that it didn't burn out completely so I might try to venture to the grocery store to get some brown sugar for some caramel crunch mix. But that would involve getting out of my jammies. Hmmmm...I wonder if it's worth it.

And Here are your Headlines for Today!

I love it when a headline from the Odd News catches my eye and sucks me in. It's like a mental train wreck and I can't help but stare. The real question is how do I get a job writing some of these articles? I mean this stuff is priceless and I have to think that laughing at the stupidity in this world would be one truly awesome job.

(I'm no Walter but I'll dedicate this coverage to his memory anyway - I hear he had a pretty good sense of humor.)

Here's the one that sucked me in.
Chinese bride trains eye on wedding dress record
I'm wondering how giddy this little bride is going to be when she realizes that a train that is 1.2 MILES long weighs a ton. And why in the world did they stop at 9,999 roses? Why not go for that one extra rose that put them at an even 10,000? Would it have really made that big of a difference? I love Mom's reaction "It's a waste of money." Just like a mom to look at the practicality of the issue.

Fans urged to drink whisky to ward off swine flu
I'm sorry but this made me laugh in a big way. They actually thought they needed to tell Russian soccer fans to drink? I guess maybe they had to announce the switch from vodka to whiskey. See if that had been Ireland there would have been no issue!

One dead in ear-cleaning salon attack
This one just freaked me out. First of all there are ear cleaning salons?! I am grossed out on so many levels right now. And how can a person get so attached to their "cleaner" that they feel the need to follow them home and stab them and their family?! You kill a person because of stubborn ear wax? That's a whole new line of defense!

Underweight team told to eat at least 15 eggs a day
I get it that it's a rugby team and you want them to be big burly guys and all. But aren't you even the least bit worried that they'll have heart attacks on the field? 15 eggs a day?! That cholesterol level has to be off the charts!

Kiss warning issued for rock festival due to flu
No real commentary about this story in particular. I mean I think the name of the festival is funny - Wacken Open Air Festival but that's not what got me. No, open this link and look at the picture that goes with it. Do you see the two senior citizens in the windsuits in the very front of the crowd? They're there for Napalm Death - I'm sure of it!

And now this last one. Nothing funny about it. Just sheer amazement and chin dropping.
Police find train "suicide" woman in bed
She got hit by a train. She made her way home. She went to bed. HOW?! I'm sorry but if I get hit by a train I'll be lucky if I make it back onto the platform. And she only had a broken arm?! I'm blown away.

And there's all the news that's fit to report today! From the Research Room this is T.B. Maid saying "May your water be blue and always go down!"

How Long Before They Get Their First ROFLMBO?

Waterloo, Iowa has launched a program that allows people to text to 911.

Take a minute and think about this. I've taken 24 hours and I'm still a little cloudy. Texting 911.

Now I understand if you have been in a car accident and you have a facial injury that makes it difficult to speak or makes your speech indiscernable. But are you really going to be able to think clearly enough to send a coherent message?

And yes I get that the hearing impaired can use the service but didn't they have the TTY service for 911 already?

Well, what about the home invasion scenario? I'm pretty sure the invaders make a point to take the phones away, don't they? Maybe if you get not so bright home invaders. And yes Katie Couric says that there are instances of people texting to friends to call for help when they've been kidnapped but how many instances have there actually been?

I just wonder how cost effective this idea really is. How many people are really going to use this service? How much training is going to have to go into teaching 911 operators to translate these messages? Because you know there are going to be abbreviations created specifically for emergencies.

CC. 2A, 3C, 1 BA, 2 BL.

I mean you understood that I was saying "Car Crash involving 2 adults, 3 children. 1 Broken Arm and 2 Broken Legs," right?

I just don't think I get it completely. Would YOU ever send a text message to 911? Why do I think that I see yet another governmentally induced money sucking whirpool in the making?

Playing Catch up - Good Try Fans!

I know what you were trying to do. You almost succeeded too. But I am strong.

You tried very hard to draw me out of my bloggy vacation by providing ridiculous amounts of absurd news stories for me to comment on and rail about. You almost got me with Michael. I was teetering on the brink of breaking blog silence to rant and rave but I kept it together. I had to turn the TV off for 3 weeks but I resisted the urge.

Well no more!! Bloggy silence has been broken so here it comes!

Well done in commemorating his musical legacy and life. I did not watch the memorial in its entirety but I did catch the highlights on the news several million times. Very well done.

Now let go.

Seriously! I do not need to know every detail of the will. I don't need to know when his mother sneezes in court while trying to sort out the custody issues. I don't want to hear about the TP that fell off the doctor's administrative assistant's foot while she was getting boxes out of the storage area. I hope for his children's sake there is enough to cover his debts and still leave them something to provide for their care and future but quite honestly that's up to his family and his estate. I don't need to hear about it!

He was a man. He could have died at 50, 72, or 96 by natural or unnatural causes but he was going to die and I think with his history we all knew there wasn't going to be anything too terribly natural about it. But he was going to die either way. There is absolutely no reason for the media and the nation to turn itself inside out like this for A MAN.

Four other celebrities have died. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, and Walter Cronkite are no longer on the planet. I haven't heard the first thing about their estates, autopsies or final arrangements. They each got a 15 minute tribute on the Today Show and CNN and it was done. I was barely around for Elvis and John Lennon so someone needs to weigh in and let me know if this same circus took place for their demise. I'll retract the whole thing if someone can demonstrate for me that it's a musician thing.

Until then, I'm over it.

But I have a nagging question (and I'll probably revisit it tomorrow). Wouldn't the investigation into any shady circumstances go a little better if the media wasn't reporting every move the investigators made? I mean when my children have a look out in position they can hide all manner of evidence of wrong doing and they are only 5, 4, and 2. How much stuff do you suppose the medical staff has been able to hide when the media is giving them a perpetual heads up on every aspect of the investigation?

Enough is enough. Let the investigators handle the circumstances. Let the family handle the estate. And move on to more important news stories. Like how contagious are VP and Pres gaffes in the media and press conferences?!

Oh How I've Missed the News!

If you hang out at The Zoo you know that I've been up to my ears in a decorating project that has left me half bald. But I finally took a minute to catch up on my news and oh, what a glorious minute it was! Odd news once again.

Funeral director allegedly leaves corpse in hearse

He is accused of "abusing" a corpse. That in itself is just a weird phrase that I never want to see in print ever again!

Angry passenger douses bus driver with coffee

Because throwing coffee at the driver will definitely stop the driver from striking. How do you spell "nutcase" again?

Store to balsamic vinegar thief: 'We will get you'

Who knew there was a gourmet black market for condiments! I've got some dijon ketchup in the pantry. Any bids?

$7,000 in stolen jewelry found in Cheetos bag

You guys saw my lenten math. You know I so would have been bummed about opening that thing and not seeing the cheesy goodness!

Man says veteran status should let him steal candy

Hey Uncle N! Want to score some points with your nieces and nephew? Knock over a QT on your next trip!

And finally. The ultimate. The one that has tears rolling even as I type.

Woman, 70, whacks intruder in head with sauce pan

I have NO commentary. Just make sure you read all the way through the last line. I can relate Mrs. B. I can relate.

Two Cents Tuesday: Inspiration!

For a minute I forgot that Two Cents was coming up and I posted that great blog peeves rant. Phooey! Well at least you can still scroll down and read it if you want. In the meantime I'll get back to this week's topic - Inspiration.

Who wants to sing with me? You're the meaning in my life. You're the inspiration! You bring feeling to my life. (Everybody!) You're the inspiration! Something tells me this is NOT what TuTu had in mind when she picked this topic. But I bet she's singing it now! Tee hee!

Now where do I get my inspiration? I'm a pretty random person so my inspiration literally comes from everywhere. You know that you have entered blogger life when you can mentally blog about the freakish birds that keep launching themselves out of the bushes and into the side of the minivan while you are sitting in the carpool lane. Or what about the dog food issue? There was a whole blog drafted in my head about my husband, his work hours, the fact that we were out of dog food and the inevitable end to the whole drama.

And let's not forget that I am a mom. Holy blog fodder Batman! Every day there are funny things they say, hysterical reactions to things they do, dramatic melt downs over an elephant animal cracker whose nose was just bitten off by a spiteful little brother just as you were about to do the exact same thing.

Then of course you have the daily barrage from the media. I don't watch the evening news. I can't listen to people actually say the words that depict some new moronic action, heinous event, or cockamamie scheme someone has pulled. I prefer to read my news. Then I can cling to the tiniest hope that tomorrow I will come back to that same story and there will be a retraction in its place. But the ridiculousness around me is pretty inspiring.

Of course I am starting to get people emailing me absurd things to blog about too. Ok it's just my sister and she's a rabid fan (love ya!) and has bitten a few of her friends (love you guys too! now go bite more people!). But just the same, stories come to me that cry out for mocking and satire. I haven't blogged it yet but last week I was sent a story about a pair of guys who tried to used thongs as masks for a robbery. How can you NOT be inspired by that?

To tweak Forrest Gump a little. "Inspiration is like the school cafeteria. You never know what you're gonna get."

Work for a Fast Food Chain?

I was fact checking with a rock star blogger pal of mine who happens to live in Utah (home of the Wedgie Weilding Vet Tech) to see if the story was real. Being the supportive individual she is (who also shares my sense of humor) she shared another Utah news story with me. So this time everyone say thank you Trisha!

Apparently this poor fellow wanted to but got stuck behind the wheel of a truck instead! Now I would copy and paste the story for you but it's copyrighted and I am not in the mood for jail time and don't have funds for bail or major fines so you'll just have to click over.

Semi's hamburger spill leads to morning commute mess on I-15

The driver fell asleep, crashed into the center concrete barrier and tossed his cargo of hambuger patties all over the highway. And by all over I mean both sides of the highway to the point that they shut the whole smash down for several hours. The timestamp on the story was 9:33 AM and the northboud side of the highway was still shut down; southbound had opened at 6:45. My first thought when I read the story?

Gives a whole new meaning to "flipping burgers!"

I was relating this story to my sister (aka my sounding board) and she remarked that it would have been even more bizarre if the truck had caught fire and started cooking them. No we are not wishing harm on the driver at all! We just have a sick sense of humor that's all.

Of course the conversation spiraled out of control from there because we started to think about the bizarre things that have been spilled on the highways. From shoes to livestock to toilet paper and now hamburgers. Out of random curiosity I approached the might Google once again to see what other bizarre things we might find.

It is my profound and hysterical pleasure to present to you a website dedicated to none other than "bizarre highway spills." Man I love the web!

Ahh, The Power of Underpants!

I would like everyone to say "Thank you Ragman's Daughter!" because I just opened my e-mail to the tastiest tidbit in a while. And it did not involve Mildred (today's e-mailing senior) or naked wildlife. Here it is in all it's glory because giving you a link just wouldn't be right.

Woman uses wedgie to capture suspected thief

It took a wedgie and a headlock to pin down a man suspected of breaking into a car. Yvonne Morris, a technician at the Brickyard Animal Hospital, said she chased a man who broke into a co-worker's car, but he kept squirming away from her.

The third time, Morris grabbed hold of the man's boxer shorts and pulled. Salt Lake City police said she then she put a headlock on the man until help could arrive.
The man was booked into the Salt Lake County jail on suspicion of vehicle burglary, possession of stolen property and outstanding warrants.

Courtesy of our friends at the Associated Press.

But that vet tech scares the bejeepers out of me!

Now this made me snort for so many reasons. First, I play things out in my imagination while I am reading them so I am seeing a woman in scrubs and a pony tail haulin' crocs across a parking lot, hurdling dogs, piles of poo and cat carriers to get to Dude in the first place.

Then of course you have Dude. His eyes are as big as saucers as he watches a woman who wrestles Rottweilers for a living bearing down on him. And she catches him! "But he kept squirming away from her." I'm picturing a reenactment of what happens on my changing table every night only with a full grown man screaming "nooooo! I don't wanna go to jail!" while kicking and flailing every possible body part.

And finally, the grand finale. The icing on my hysterical cupcake. The Wedgie! Now this would be funny all on it's own but I can't even count the number of escapes I have foiled THIS WEEK ALONE by snagging someone by the drawers and either pantsing them so that they can't move their feet or by taking them off the ground for a brief moment.

Around here it ends in a tickle fight and giggles but something tells me Dude was grateful the cops came when they did. I'm pretty sure he was having some serious flashbacks to the high school locker room and was just waiting for the rest of the techs to swarm the parking lot with their wound up towels waiting to snap him in the rear.

I sure do wish I could get my hands on that police report. "We arrived on the scene to find the suspect turning various shades of crimson and gasping for air while attempting to dislodge large wads of cotton fabric from his behind."

Wow Dianne! You may Actually Pull it Off!

Good for you! I really thought you weren't going to manage to steal NBC's corner on the absurd news market - after all they have Nadya Suleman - but you may just pull it off!

Kentucky is already all abuzz with furor over your depiction of "The Children of the Mountains" and I'm sure Pepsi has their PR department looking for every angle they can to defend Mountain Dew. I hear their marketing department has started action to trademark "Mountain Dew Mouth" for their next ad campaign. Not really. I made that up but it won't be long!

Now for my normal readers who have no clue what I'm talking about here's the skinny. Ms. Sawyer spent 3 years touring the Appalachian Mountains of Kentucky reporting on life in genuine coal miner Appalachia. Her preview story on GMA yesterday showed toothless children and a woman who walked 8 miles each way to attend GED courses. There was a ruckus over the popularity of Mountain Dew and parents putting soda in the bottles and sippy cups of their toddler children.

She finished her story off with the fact that Pepsi wouldn't comment on their product causing such issues as the rampant tooth decay and poor health. That's when my jaw hit the floor. But that's a rant for another day.

I just came from the GMA site where there are 204 comments on the story most from educated residents of Kentucky defending their state. Then there are the expected comments of "if they are so poor why aren't they spending their MD money on water (cheaper) and toothbrushes instead of soda and tattoos and illegal drugs? It's a matter of education."

So again, Dianne, my hat is off to you. I think you may have managed (perhaps through unintentional ignorance or poor editing choices) to create an even more ridiculous story than Ms. Suleman. I know Beloved will be tuned in tonight! I haven't decided if I will yet or not. Part of me wants to watch the rest of the train wreck but the other part of me knows that all you are going to do is raise my blood pressure and I think Nadya did enough of that earlier this week.

Take your pick!

I was cruising through the news this morning and got trapped in the Odd News section. Now I know that many of you think that most of my news bits come from this section but I assure you that I find the vast majority in the politics, science, and world news areas. For today though we are going to peek at the Odd News headlines.

Naked hikers face spot fines
*Because when I'm climbing the Alps I just find clothes encumbering!

Venezuela military tells voters: don't eat your ballot
*I think they're just trying to avoid the inevitable poop search to ensure an accurate vote tally. Wimps!

Bishop arrested for child chimney pot stunt
*I have to store this one away for high school when the kids refused to do their homework - "Don't make me make you sit on the chimney!"

Deputies: Ohio teacher cut class for prostitution
*And we thought teacher pay in GA was bad! I wonder if she got detention (or couldn't the principal afford her?)

Cheers! Yeast gene map could mean better beer
*I don't know about you but genetically engineered beer sounds kind of scary!

Cops arrest man who sought help removing handcuffs
*Note to self: Do not go to a POLICE STATION to have handcuffs removed if you have been involved in illegal activity.

Ooo! Here's a really good one!
Man runs out of gas after robbing gas station
*That's right folks. He robbed the station but forgot to fill up first. I kid you not!

And finally one more clothing optional story for you.
Nude biker leads trooper on chase in bad weather
*I know on the rare occasion that it sleets here the first thing I do is strip and jump on a motorcycle in hopes of crashing into a police car!

So here it is from me to you. Anytime you feel like the news is too heavy to handle take a stroll through the Odd News - it helps. And the next time you pull a bonehead moment, just take solace in the fact that if you have clothes on you are ahead of the curve!

Tomorrow Night!

I have homework for you all for tomorrow night. The Octuplet's Mom is on Dateline tomorrow night. Now you saw my interview for her and the preview I saw on the Today Show this morning (for 3 minutes before I got aggravated and went for my walk) was some pretty softball questions. I'm really hoping that Ann Curry is a reader of the Bowl and hit her with all of mine. You can bet that we will be disussing this on Wednesday (the not so wordless part) so I expect you to all come to the table with your notes and reviews.

Gentlemen readers (all two of you!) I will be expecting you to shed some light on this mystery man too. You are NOT exempt! From what I understand he is not the man she was married to for 7 years but rather a friend who helped her out. He has not seen ANY of the children he has "fathered." Jay and Buck! I need you to help me understand this.

So until Wednesday! Although my thoughts will probably go into draft late tomorrow night!

A Break from the Stupid News!

Although between today's silent footage of Mr. President bonking his head as he got into Marine One and the Porn Star considering a Senate bid in Louisiana, I would have had plenty of stupid news to cover with you!

But today I thought I would share some cool news. Ok so it's probably only really cool to me but deal! It's my blog and I'll post what I want. A while back I showed you the Beluga Whales at our Aquarium, right? If you tuned into the Beluga WebCam at all then you were probably drawn into a bit of a trace yourself. I love them. They are single handedly my favorite exhibit.

And then of course I shared with you my love of yoga. It's very centering and still tests your body in a physical way. Well get ready for my own little slice of heaven on Earth!

Whales serve as backdrop for aquarium yoga classes

There is a ballroom set up with a viewing window into the Beluga tank which would be incredible for anything - a wedding, a class reunion, a prom. But imagine being able to watch those flowing movements as you worked out. I can only imagine the day that Nico and Natasha start to mimic downward dog or a warrior pose!

Oh, if only funds were available! I would wallow in Sunday night yoga with Nico!

They Took a Balloon to Court and WON!!

I am almost speechless. Almost! This one is a doozie even by my standards.

NJ township can't declare inflatable rat a pest

A town in central New Jersey took on the local Electrical Workers Union over an inflatable rat they had displayed to signify a labor dispute. Now the article was a little confusin gon the first couple of takes but I think I have it sorted out now.

The union put it up in 2005 but was forced to take it down when an ordinance about banners and such was enforced. They began a lawsuit to get their rat BALLOON back. In 2007 an appeals court upheld the decision and allowed the labor folks to assess a $133 dollar fine. And now they have finally had their day in court with the New Jersy SUPREME COURT!

Please tell me that this did not happen. Yahoo News! Please come back tomorrow and print a retraction that this was a big joke tailored just for me, your one dedicated reader.

People tied a court up for 4 years to argue about whether their grotesque rat balloon was legal? What was the stinking labor dispute over anyway? And did you win that one? Or were you waiting to see the outcome of the rat?

I don't know who I'm more annoyed at. The town, county, and state of New Jersey for allowing it to go that far or the union for making it such a big deal to begin with! Can't we use our free speech for something more important than an ugly balloon rat on the side of the road? That's what you're going to spend county and state tax dollars on? Those roads up in New Jersey must be paved with gold and all their citizens are fed, healthy and happy. Domestic violence and the state child protection system must be incredibly well funded and food pantries must be overflowing!

Stupid people make my head hurt.

My Interview for the Octuplet Mom

I've tried to keep it in but I just can't anymore. This woman has made my head just about spin off my shoulders. I'm not paying her to grant my interview but here's what I want to know (just in case any of you are journalists). I watched the CNN story this morning and I have more than just a few questions.

#1. How did a person who has not had a job for several years afford IVF?
#2. Who is this "sperm donor" they keep referring too and how does he feel about this?
#3. How can you responsibly have 8 more children when you just bankrupted your own parents for a house?
#4. How did you afford to hire a publicist when you have no job?
#5. According to your own mother, you did this because you wanted "one more girl." Why didn't you take all those funds (#1 and #4) and adopt a child who needs parents?
#6. What makes you a parenting expert?

It's that last question that blows my mind the most. This woman has 14 children under the age of 8 and she thinks she's an expert? I'm sorry. But until you have at least covered puberty with at least three of your children, I don't think you can even dream of claiming expert status. What exactly are you an expert on? Getting them to eat their veggies?

There is something very suspicious about this whole thing. Where did all this money come from? Who did the procedure in the first place? CNN is reporting that they can't find a single fertility expert who would implant that many embryos in a young healthy mother to begin with. The highest number I have heard is 5 and that is for a woman in her 40's or a high risk mother. From my understanding she is only in her thirties (and young thirties at that) and since she already has six children I'm thinking high risk isn't an accurate description either.

And let's get back to the father(s) in this scenario. Where is the father(s) for the first 6? And who is this "sperm donor?" That in itself is irritating me. He is referred to as the donor everywhere so this only affirms my thought that this was a science experiment that went too far.

I understand a woman controlling her own body. I have to wonder though what is in this woman's head to do all of this. And to paint herself as an expert on top of it.

I fear for these children and their future. They aren't even a month old yet and it's already gone sideways. But this is just my take. Please, can someone spin this for me so that I stop thinking she needs to borrow my huggy jacket?

A Lizard, Boy Parts, and a Bike.

I can't even keep a straight face as I type this. Ready?

New Zealand reptile becomes dad at 111 years old.

Uhh, Sarah? That's not funny? It is if you go read the article. Oh crap! I can't wait for you to get back so I'll tell you the story. This lizard comes to the zoo at the age of 70. He's grumpy and cranky and fights with everybody.

Then they find out that he has a cancerous tumor in his boy parts. They remove it. He gets busy. His name? Henry. Her name? Mildred. And now they are the proud parents of 11.

Am I laughing at grumpy boy parts?

No.

Am I picturing a lizard in a yellow shirt and bike helmet?

You bet!

No wait! There's more.

(And the picture is actually a komodo dragon but I couln't find a picture of Henry. Sorry. I'm just as disappointed as you are.)

This was the #3 story in the Science section on Yahoo news. Number 3. That would be front page of the Science section if this was a printed newspaper. Amazing. There is nothing else going on in the world of science? No new breakthroughs or medical advances? No bizzare finger measuring to do today?

I'll have to settle for Henry, the reptilian Lance Armstrong.

A Bailout for WHAT?!

You can thank my sister for this one. I didn't believe her until I spent 15 minutes Googling my little heart out and picking my chin up off the floor.

Larry Flynt has tossed his hat into the ring for a $5 million bailout for the adult entertainment industry.

That's what I said too! No, I am not kidding. I found it on at least 3 sources (MSNBC among them!) and they are not all from "the religious right."

There are multiple takes on this.

Mr. Flynt and his friends are poking fun at Congress and it's incredible carelessness with the first round of bailout money.

Who could blame them after a Merril Lynch CEO spent $1million on remodeling his office? I'd make fun of a $5,000 parchment (that's paper, right?) trash can (that you throw paper in) too.

There are real people involved in the adult entertainment industry who need to keep their jobs (ick!).

Although I'm really thinking that there might be other career choices out there for them. Surely they have some other marketable skills - I hope!

People are starting to find their common sense and choose between trash and treasures.

For our nation's sake I hope it's the third option. I hope that people aren't throwing money away on smut during such troubling economic times. But even more than that, I hope that somewhere in all this mess people have started to evaluate their lives and start moving to some code of morality that is better than it was.

What bothers me though is the impending lawsuit that happens when this nonsense is rejected by Congress - and let's pray that they DO have the sense to reject it. You know that there is some "let me make a name for myself" lawyer just waiting to take a class action lawsuit against the government for discriminating against adult entertainers.

When did the universe spin off it's axis or have I just been too involved in my children to notice?

Seriously! Who studies this stuff?!

But more importantly....WHY?!?! (I'm excerpting this article because of space and obnoxious writing style. You can read the whole thing for yourself here.)

Finger length may predict financial success

By RANDOLPH E. SCHMID, AP Science Writer Randolph E. Schmid, Ap Science Writer – Mon Jan 12, 9:30 pm ET

WASHINGTON – The length of a man's ring finger may predict his success as a financial trader. Researchers at the University of Cambridge in England report that men with longer ring fingers, compared to their index fingers, tended to be more successful in the frantic high-frequency trading in the London financial district.

Indeed, the impact of biology on success was about equal to years of experience at the job, the team led by physiologist John M. Coates reports in Monday's edition of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

The same ring-to-index finger ratio has previously been associated with success in competitive sports such as soccer and basketball, the researchers noted.
The length ratio between those two fingers is determined during the development of the fetus and the relatively longer ring finger indicates greater exposure to the male hormone androgen, the researchers noted.

***
In a separate study last year, Coates and colleagues reported that the hormone that drives male aggression and sexual interest also seemed able to boost short term success at finance.

They studied male financial traders in London, taking saliva samples in the morning and evening. They found that those with higher levels of testosterone in the morning were more likely to make an unusually big profit that day. Testosterone, best known as the male sex hormone, affects aggression, confidence and risk-taking.

In the new study, the researchers measured the right hands of 44 male stock traders who were engaged in a type of trade that involved rapid decision-making and quick physical reactions.

Over 20 months those with longer ring fingers compared to their index fingers made 11 times more money than those with the shortest ring fingers. Over the same time the most experienced traders made about 9 times more than the least experienced ones.

Looking only at experienced traders, the long-ring-finger folks earned 5 times more than those with short ring fingers.
___
On the Net:
PNAS: http://www.pnas.org

Please tell me that you saw that^! You saw the web address right? Is anyone else mildly amused by this? What blows me away is that someone got PAID to measure fingers and collect spit for this study. Because when one is searching for a career the first thing on their resume is "My ring finger is exceptionally long!"

For the love of Pete Cambridge! Cure cancer! Find more effective treatments for AIDS and cholera! Use your money to get clean water to Africa. Who gives a rip about the finger lengths of Brit traders?

For all of our technological advances we sure are a stupid bunch aren't we?