And Here are your Headlines for Today!

I love it when a headline from the Odd News catches my eye and sucks me in. It's like a mental train wreck and I can't help but stare. The real question is how do I get a job writing some of these articles? I mean this stuff is priceless and I have to think that laughing at the stupidity in this world would be one truly awesome job.

(I'm no Walter but I'll dedicate this coverage to his memory anyway - I hear he had a pretty good sense of humor.)

Here's the one that sucked me in.
Chinese bride trains eye on wedding dress record
I'm wondering how giddy this little bride is going to be when she realizes that a train that is 1.2 MILES long weighs a ton. And why in the world did they stop at 9,999 roses? Why not go for that one extra rose that put them at an even 10,000? Would it have really made that big of a difference? I love Mom's reaction "It's a waste of money." Just like a mom to look at the practicality of the issue.

Fans urged to drink whisky to ward off swine flu
I'm sorry but this made me laugh in a big way. They actually thought they needed to tell Russian soccer fans to drink? I guess maybe they had to announce the switch from vodka to whiskey. See if that had been Ireland there would have been no issue!

One dead in ear-cleaning salon attack
This one just freaked me out. First of all there are ear cleaning salons?! I am grossed out on so many levels right now. And how can a person get so attached to their "cleaner" that they feel the need to follow them home and stab them and their family?! You kill a person because of stubborn ear wax? That's a whole new line of defense!

Underweight team told to eat at least 15 eggs a day
I get it that it's a rugby team and you want them to be big burly guys and all. But aren't you even the least bit worried that they'll have heart attacks on the field? 15 eggs a day?! That cholesterol level has to be off the charts!

Kiss warning issued for rock festival due to flu
No real commentary about this story in particular. I mean I think the name of the festival is funny - Wacken Open Air Festival but that's not what got me. No, open this link and look at the picture that goes with it. Do you see the two senior citizens in the windsuits in the very front of the crowd? They're there for Napalm Death - I'm sure of it!

And now this last one. Nothing funny about it. Just sheer amazement and chin dropping.
Police find train "suicide" woman in bed
She got hit by a train. She made her way home. She went to bed. HOW?! I'm sorry but if I get hit by a train I'll be lucky if I make it back onto the platform. And she only had a broken arm?! I'm blown away.

And there's all the news that's fit to report today! From the Research Room this is T.B. Maid saying "May your water be blue and always go down!"

They Took a Balloon to Court and WON!!

I am almost speechless. Almost! This one is a doozie even by my standards.

NJ township can't declare inflatable rat a pest

A town in central New Jersey took on the local Electrical Workers Union over an inflatable rat they had displayed to signify a labor dispute. Now the article was a little confusin gon the first couple of takes but I think I have it sorted out now.

The union put it up in 2005 but was forced to take it down when an ordinance about banners and such was enforced. They began a lawsuit to get their rat BALLOON back. In 2007 an appeals court upheld the decision and allowed the labor folks to assess a $133 dollar fine. And now they have finally had their day in court with the New Jersy SUPREME COURT!

Please tell me that this did not happen. Yahoo News! Please come back tomorrow and print a retraction that this was a big joke tailored just for me, your one dedicated reader.

People tied a court up for 4 years to argue about whether their grotesque rat balloon was legal? What was the stinking labor dispute over anyway? And did you win that one? Or were you waiting to see the outcome of the rat?

I don't know who I'm more annoyed at. The town, county, and state of New Jersey for allowing it to go that far or the union for making it such a big deal to begin with! Can't we use our free speech for something more important than an ugly balloon rat on the side of the road? That's what you're going to spend county and state tax dollars on? Those roads up in New Jersey must be paved with gold and all their citizens are fed, healthy and happy. Domestic violence and the state child protection system must be incredibly well funded and food pantries must be overflowing!

Stupid people make my head hurt.

Oh, Mainstream News Media! How I Love Thee!

Just when I think the blog inspiration well has gone dry, you do yet another new piece that just takes me to new levels and places of blogging joy! And for once I'm not going to pick on NBC. This time it's Ms. Sawyer and her network who is going to get my skewer! Ready?

Victoria Secret: Formaldehyde in Bras? So here's the story. A woman is suing VS for a rash that she developed in areas that contact her bra. Testing by her attorney's office has revealed the presence of formaldehyde in the bra; VS disputes that claim. That's the short version.

Now I took the time to actually look at some (not all 193 at last count) of the comments left for ABC on this news story and I am blown away! For two years or more in some of these cases women have been wearing these bras and having these problems. You never thought maybe there was a problem with the bra? You never thought maybe you should change your brand? You are just now putting two and two together because you saw it on the news?

I understand brand loyalty and as a woman I am incredibly aware that finding a bra that fits is a chore and a pain in so many areas other than your behind. But you are more willing to deal with rashes and blistering and SCARRING than you are to go find a new brand of bra? I don't know if you are crazy, lazy or just certifiably nuts!

Do I think VS should launch an investigation and find out what the problem is? Absolutely! Should some kind of restitution be made? Give them a refund on the faulty bras they can return to you and take the rest off the shelves. Pay them some kind of settlement? Not on your stinkin' life! Make people take responsibility for their own stupidity! You wore the bra even though it was giving you a rash! And someone else should pay you?

Well, if that's the case I'm going to go out and walk into a street sign. Then the steel industry needs to pay me for my head trauma! Or maybe the city for putting it somewhere where I could get to it.

And people wonder why children play the blame game when they get in trouble!

Stupid people tick em off! And shame on you Mainstream Media for giving them two minutes to be stupid for the whole world! But keep it up because someday I'll be able to say, "This blog brought to you by the find producers of ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC and FOX NEWS!"



http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=5195818

A Lesson in Language

We all know that men and women speak different languages. I was not aware of just how different those languages are though until last evening.

My brother in law just returned from a fifteen month tour in Iraq two weeks ago. So I took a chance to catch up a little last night. He was telling me about a kit he got while he was there that would be ideal for my van. Here's where we started to speak different languages.

He said "Gerber kit."

Take a moment and think about that. If you are a woman, you have the same picture I do - a sweet faces, chubby cheeked, curly headed baby. If you are a man you have a completely different picture. You are seeing a multipurpose tool that hangs on your belt.

I was momentarily confused. "Why did he have Gerber kits?" But my brain started seeking out logic and it suddenly made sense to me. Perhaps they were out on patrols and came across families with small children in need. Perhaps the fine folks at Gerber made a donation to the humanitarian effort and put together packs for the soldiers to distribute. Makes sense!

But then he started telling me what was in the kit. Flashlight. (Logic seeker still active) Ok so I can change a diaper in the back of my car at night. Shovel. Ok so I can bury the dirty diaper if I don't have anything to wrap it up in and it's just THAT foul. But then he said the flashlight had a really heavy handle in case I was ever attacked. My brain shorted for a second and I started to think "man speak."

Duh!! It's a tool kit, dummy!! It's not a kit with diapers and wipes and food. I started to laugh out loud so hard my poor brother in law thought I had completely lost my mind. I'm pretty sure he was groping for his cell phone so that he could keep me on the phone while he called the men in the pretty white jackets.

Although I have to admit, that shovel idea could have some practical applications.

In Honor of National Talk Like a Pirate Day!

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

A dose of the ridiculous

I turned on the One Eyed Monster just now and caught the very end of The Abyss. This is one of my top 100 movies so I've seen it a time or two and I'm fascinated by the special effects. I have never assumed that this really happened. But at the end of the credits there it is. That disclaimer that comes at the end of every movie.

"The individuals and events in this motion picture are completely fictional and any similarities to real people and events is coincidental." Or something like that.

Did people really think that this guy free fell to the bottom of the ocean to disarm a nuke?

Do UFO's (underwater floating objects - you think I'm kidding? Watch the movie!) really control the molecular structure of water to communicate?

Are you kidding me?!

Usually when a movie is based on a real story or person, it's all over all the promoting of the movie to begin with. There are behind the scenes specials released and the entertainment news outlets drag up interviews with the subjects former dog walker's great aunt's hairstylist to get the "real" story.

What strikes me as so ridiculous is that our society is so out of whack that someone would probably sue the studio if they saw a movie that portrayed a midnight snack induced dream they had. Why is that disclaimer even necessary when a studio is making a sci-fi movie? Are people really THAT out of touch?

Maybe I'm just jealous that no one has done a movie about an out of shape yoga pants wearing mom of preschoolers who is obsessed with blogging.