Leave a Message Already!!

**The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. (No clue who said it but they are pretty much right!)**

There has been a phone number calling me on the hour every hour for the last two days. And you say, "Well, why don't you answer it?" Because I don't know anyone from the Miami area of Florida. But I have another question.

Why won't these people leave a message? I DO have voice mail. It is NOT full. I check it regularly and if you are someone I know or someone I need to call back, I call you back. But guess what?

If you don't leave a message, I STILL have no idea who you are and therefore will continue to ignore your call. So we can keep playing this game of me ignoring you and you wasting your time but know this, if your insanity wakes my children up from a much needed nap, I WILL be calling the phone company and blocking your number just for harassment.

Leave the message already! You obviously WANT to talk to me or you wouldn't call every hour. How do you know I'm not in a hospital somewhere with an executive assistant returning my calls? How is Wonder Kid supposed to know she's supposed to call you back if you don't leave a message?

Please! When you call someone, if they don't answer the phone unless they are family or a BFF whose number you know and dial in your sleep.....LEAVE A MESSAGE ALREADY!!!

Journey on a Winding Road: You Have to Find your Place.

Debbie over at Mommie Mayhem wrote a post Thursday about a bit she saw on Oprah. When you had children did you stop being "you" and "just" become Mom?

Of course it got my brain going. Is that what happened to me? Did I "lose"myself? Is that where this craziness came from? Back through the archives I went searching to see where and if I stopped being me.

When Mo was born I was Appointment Coordinator/Mom. Nope that wasn't it. I still had a professional life. When Tuck was born I was Assistant Director/Mom and got promoted to Director/Mom so that couldn't have been it. You can't score a promotion if you aren't focused on more than just one aspect of your life. Then Munch came.

I was working as the director of a child care center and was putting in 14 hour days. I had 104 children in my care and 16 staff (where I should have had 21). I was forever pregnant and completely under water with paperwork and staffing issues. In the 10 hours I wasn't at the office, five were spent sleeping and the other five were divided between cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children aka being Mom. I went to bed one night and woke up in the wee small hours the next morning in labor. I went to the hospital, had a baby and didn't go back to work.

At first the full stop was wonderful. I was able to stay home with the wee leprechauns and be a really great mom. I was able to play, and read, and snuggle. Then I started into the housekeeping stuff. I decluttered, deep cleaned, organized and caught up. I felt like a super hero. But then it all became routine.

Every morning, I get up, make the beds, start the laundry, tidy the kitchen, vacuum the livingroom. I pack lunches and change diapers. I shuffle people from place to place. I make menus and go grocery shopping.

Did I lose who I was? No. I just became a different person. I don't resent being a mom. I think I would like to squeeze out a little more time for me but who wouldn't? But maybe there's the rub. I didn't lose me but me became so focused on my children that even when I had some time, I didn't know how to spend it. I would go to Barnes & Noble and just wander without ever picking up a book.

So I started to find new hobbies. I got back to sewing and knitting. I returned to my love of cooking and started concocting new recipes and tweaking old ones. I started not one but two blogs. I started a group on Cafe Mom called What's my Motivation?! where we try to help and encourage one another to be more whole person focused and work on personal goals. I started working out again.

Maybe none of those things will ever change the world but they all have changed me. They have given me other places in this big wide world. I'm not JUST Mom in the house doing the mom things. I know when I haven't done those things in a while. I start to spiral. I start to get down at the smallest whim. I turn moody and grumpy.

Again, none of this is a diagnosis or a treatment. It's just my way of controlling and coping. Some people will say that it is distraction and maybe one day I will learn that it is. Maybe there is a bigger underlying issue that I need to deal with but I would have no idea what that issue is. For now I'm content knowing that just by serving a purpose for my friends in the Motivators, or for my readers here in Bloggy Land or for myself when I pound the pavement every morning, I am making myself "better."

Journey on a Winding Road: A Week's Revelations

It hasn't been a full week since I started to really assess what is going on in my head and try to sort and cope with the findings. But even in the four days that have passed I have come to a couple of realizations.

The first: Of course Saturday was crazy and I felt out of control and had emotions raging all over the spectrum. It was countdown to the monthly visit. Sorry TMI I know but how can I forget about that one very impacting factor? I really have to talk to my doc about a different Pill or something that stabilizes the hormones a little. I think that might have been the REAL curse of Eden - the wobbly hormones. And have you noticed how stresses no matter how large or small just throw those even further and more extremely out of whack? Sometimes it's not even for the worse either. Sometimes if I'm stressed about accomplishing something and my focus is on that one thing I feel more stable than if I was just drifting along like a goose on the river.

The second: A little fitness goes a VERY long way. Last summer I connected with yoga and pilates and started to do some walking first thing in the morning. Before all the children were awake. Before the washer started running and Mount Washmore started to move from one pile to another. I would take that 45 minutes and I would DO something. There are so many benefits to this I'm not sure where I want to start.

It was something for me and when I was doing it, it was impossible to divide myself to do anything else. What can you do for your child while you are holding a warrior pose? Nothing.

It was something that was quiet and centering. Unless you are doing weight training or extreme cardio there isn't a lot of sound to exercise. Maybe your feet tapping on the pavement. Maybe the sigh of your breath as you glide through your vinyasa. But there isn't noise.

And your mind clears. Things just seem to sort through into their little compartments like coins through a sorter. The chores drop into the To Do folder; the worries fall into the prayer (or meditation) folder; the memories fall into the smile folder. The garbage manages to just fall out.

When you finish there is a sudden rush of energy - those of you who remember biology can tell me what that funny brain chemical is but I can't remember it. But there's just the energy and the feeling of wellness. Combine that with the fact that you may be losing weight or toning up or just sweating out toxins and you suddenly feel just a little better about yourself.

I would never conclude that fitness is the cure for depression but if it can boost the effectiveness of medications or if it can alleviate the tension around you for even a little while, it helps in my book. Just in case you were looking for added motivation for your fitness goal of '09, now you have it. Find that routine or workout that gives you the jump and stick with it. It certainly isn't going to hurt (unless you count muscle soreness)!

Wordless Wednesday

Scenes from some serene blue water as seen at the Georgia Aquarium. I think it might be one of my favorite places in Atlanta.

A school of rays over the walk through to the Ocean Voyager exhibit.

Jelly fish - the lighting effects on these tanks and the jellies are incredible!

One of the Beluga Whales. There is now a webcam to watch them in person but I will warn you it can put you into a bit of a trance.

The calm of the Belugas

Now THIS Is Sincerely Frightening!

Police: Angry Ohio boy, 4, shoots baby sitter

Tue Jan 6, 12:22 am ET
JACKSON, Ohio – Police say an angry 4-year-old Ohio boy grabbed a gun from a closet and shot his baby sitter.

Eighteen-year-old Nathan Beavers was hospitalized Sunday with minor wounds to his arm and side after the shotgun attack. Police say another teen was also injured.

Witnesses told police the child was angry because Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot.

Beavers was watching the child at a mobile home in Jackson with several other teenagers and several other children.

Jackson County Sheriff John Shashteen says authorities are investigating. The child has not been charged.

There was a shotgun in an unsecured closet. This child has such a temper that a shotgun is the answer to someone stepping on his foot. I am assuming that the shotgun was loaded because I can't imagine a 4 year old having the strength to open and load a shotgun. The child knew how to operate it.

This is just incredible to me. I'm not sure if it's a medical malfunction in the child's brain, lousy parenting, carelessness, irresponsibility or just the whole smash all tossed in a blender and put on frappe!

I grew up with guns in the home. My father was responsible enough to keep them unloaded and when it was affordable for our family buy a gun safe and lock them up. We were taught that we did not touch the guns under any circumstance and when we were old enough we were allowed to learn how to handle them if we wanted to.

We were also taught how to express ourselves so that when someone stepped on our foot an apology was sufficient to make things right. We learned to distinguish between accidents and intentional harm and we knew how to deal with both in a healthy manner. But then again we grew up without a TV so we weren't bombarded by guns blazing and the sounds of violence and chaos punctuated with cursing.

Someday the world will turn right side up again, won't it?

I Think I'm the Worst "Girl" on the Planet!

I was scanning through my reader just now and saw several references that made me wonder about my girl-itude.

I am 31. That's right! I crossed the threshold without much ado and really couldn't have cared less (once I got used to the idea that I spent the second half of my 20's preggers). So as I watch some of the women bloggers around me protesting turning 30 and buying anti aging creams and microderm abrasion kits I wonder if I missed something.

Then there's the whole makeup and nail polish thing. I just don't do it. Never really have! I was burnt by stage makeup during the dress rehersal for our senior class play and ever since really just figured the Good Lord made me this way. He must have thought it was allright. Nail polish is a complete waste on me. My nails are the splitting and flaking kind so no sooner to I start to try to grow them out then one goes to pieces and the whole cause is lost. And I certainly can't see the point of buying fake nails only to replace them a few weeks later. Good for you those who can and do. It's just not my bag.

On to hair. I get mine cut and styled every 3 years. Period. I always ask for a cut that can grow out and I'm always up front with the stylist that unless they plan to be in the same chair in 3 years they will probably won't see me ever again. Color. The closest I ever came to going pro color was my college roommate. We got pretty efficient after about the 6th try.

And that's just appearance! I loathe shopping. I avoid the phone when possible. And I have only dated (counting them up now) 8 guys in my life (unless you count the mini crushes in junior high where I "went with" a guy for a day - that MAY bump me to 12). I am married to #8 and quite honestly should anything ever happen to him I highly doubt that I would ever reenter the dating scene or remarry. I have 0 interest in celebrities, their hair or their babies. REality shows annoy me - forget that! TV in general tends to annoy me. And my books have to be thriller or classics - ok so maybe that qualifies me a little.

I'm just saying. If the above are standards of gilriness - I just failed with flaming colors!

Journey on a Winding Road: Could there be a Better Day?

This has been absolutely one of the worst days in a long while. I barely slept last night despite going to bed at 10:30. I woke up with strange dreams; I couldn't get comfortable in my own bed; my brain was running like a freight train. I woke up more exhausted than when I went to bed.

The children have been fighting all day. And not just "He's picking on me!" fighting. They have been pulling hair, attempting to scratch faces, squealing, screaming and generally in one another's faces to the point that I'm not sure which child is which.

The noise has been beyond unbearable. The cacophany of squeals and screeches has smashed into the glaring yaps and barks of the two dogs trying to chase squirrels off the deck from inside the house. The TV's clamor has only compounded the already pounding ruckus and chaos.

And my ears seem to be the only ones registering any sound. "Please clean up your playroom, " was met with jumping up and down and screaming and wailing and gnashing of teeth. I had to leave the room to control my temper and apparently did a really pitiful job of it because my hairbrush snapped in half in my hands.

I would cry but I can't. I would yell but that would just be more noise. I would take a nap but what's the point? My body seems completely unfamiliar with all versions of rest.

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And that is what a bad day looks like to me. On a good day I would have told you that the children were making me crazy with their picking at one another. The dogs never would have registered and I would have used words like "whining," "temper fit," "giggles," and "shrill laughter."

On a good day I would still have a hairbrush. On a good day I would throw in the towel, pop some popcorn and let us all just veg out for the afternoon.

But today isn't a good day. Today I am on a low. Today I am facing the fact that I am one of millions of Americans with undiagnosed depression who has not sought professional help and who probably won't because of the stigma that I see attached to it.

Perception is reality so this is my perception and therefore my reality in regards to depression. People who are suffering from depression are on medications that they cannot function without. Women who are suffering from depression are one missed snack away from becoming unfit mothers who can't distinguish hallucinations from reality. Admitting depression means I need to be on a couch somewhere discussing my childhood with a perfect stranger in an attempt to regulate my medication.

Is any of this true? Absolutely not! Women can be good mothers and still cope with depression. People who are on medications for depression are just like people who being treated for any other ailment - they are doing it to feel better. Depression does not equal therapy although some people can benefit from it and resolve some of the causes of thier depression through the treatment.

This is where I am beginning my journey. But because I have a serious aversion to going to the doctor; because I would rather shove bamboo under my finger nails than even attempt taking an asprin; because I inherited incredible stubbornness from my grandfather, I am going to take every step and "natural" path I can before I look to a doctor and pharmaceuticals. Call it foolish. Call it making things harder. But it's my journey.

I hope to share successes and failures. I'll be researching and studying and sharing my journey but don't worry. The Bowl won't be dedicated to me and my situation. Depression is a PART of my life but not every day is a bad day.