How to Feed Mom Guilt

I'm pregnant with Mom Guilt this evening. Ha! You thought I was announcing that I was pregnant?! You ain't from these parts are ya?

No, I'm just being over run with Mom Guilt tonight and I need to vent it.

I sit and watch my friends' children excel in literacy and extracurriculars and pretty much everything they put their little hands to. And then I look at my first month of school.

Weeks one and two: had almost daily e-mails and phone conferences with boy's teachers to deal with behavior issues.

Week three: get the letter that #1 girl needs to be referred for help with literacy because she may be demonstrating signs of dyslexia and they want to get her help as quickly as possible.

Week three: also get referral paperwork to get boy into speech therapy which we knew was coming but still...

Week four (that's this week): realize hours after the children have gone to bed that I have completely forgotten to work with #1 girl on her site words for this week and her address which she is supposed to have memorized in the next two weeks.

Parent conferences are two weeks away and I feel like a big old flop.

But then I sat on my bed and I read books with them and they hugged me super close and didn't want to stop. They crawled in their beds and we all said it together:

Good night.
I love you!
And when you wake up in the morning
I'll love you even more.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have to give to them from every area. I have to play as much as I work. I have to listen as much as I talk. And I have to get some sleep.

Mom Guilt sucks up exhaustion like a dog following behind a cookie eating toddler. She'll be fine. She may have to work harder and I'll have to be more patient; but she'll be fine. And eventually he'll meet someone who speaks his language, right?

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to morning.

*************

It's morning and I think the boy hacked my blogger and read this post.

Two hours into school and the school murse called to ask me to come get him. He has had another potty accident and is having a melt down about cleaning himself up.

I got there and he looked up at me from red ringed teary eyes and a drippy nose and gasped out, "I missed you Mommy. Did you miss me?"

What do you do? You know that he acted inappropriately and that he needs to have some kind of punishment. You waver because you SHOULD send him back to class and not give him what he wanted in the first place. And then he melts down at the very thought and you see the exhaustion in his face. He slept a full night last night but he was just "off" this morning when you got him up.

I resigned myself to bringing him home and he is spending the day in his room in "solitary." But we had a long talk about how I DO miss him when he's at school but that just makes me that much happier to see him when he gets home. And I want him to get smart and learn all kinds of stuff so he can teach me and he can't do that from home. He needs to go to school. He cried because he could see my dissapointment which of course ripped my heart out.

And Mom Guilt gorged on the whole scenario because now I am questioning AGAIN if I sent him to school too soon. Maybe he just wasn't ready yet.

Jane, stop this crazy thing called ...... Parenting. (Bonus points if you can name that movie.)

My Parents Knew Better than to Name me Grace!

I'll get around to Wordless Wednesday eventually but I really have to address this first.

We are dog sitting for our neighbor again (a three week stint this time) so on top of my normal toy vaulting, children dodging and laundry balancing, I've been doing the dog shuffle too. He's an 80 lb lab but he is the sweetest dog on the planet (unless you count the loaf of banana bread he snagged off the counter on Monday). He loves to wait for me to sit down somewhere and lay down next to the couch or chair.

Munch and I were cuddling on the couch yesterday settling down for nap and I decided that I should go put her in her bed since she's been having some adjustment issues. I scooped her and her blankies up and turned to head for her room. And promptly tripped over the dog. And by tripped I don't mean stumbled; I mean full blown Mama is going DOWN!

My brain kicked into high gear because I was going down between our end table and our armchair in a space that is only about 2 feet wide. Brain said "Don't drop the baby but don't let her smack her head on the end table either." So Body responded by trying to hit all fours but in the knees and elbows version so that hands and forearms could pull Munch in close so she wouldn't hit the ground. Every muscle in my back must have twisted and flexed in anticipation of the impact.

We hit. I managed to not land on Munch but I immediately started to cry. Partly out of relief that she was safe, partly out of anger at the dog, and a big chunk out of screaming pain. I am now the proud owner of two brushburnt elbows, a bruised knee, a jammed hip and some serious muscle aches in my back and shoulders.

You would think that would be enough for one day wouldn't you? Not according to the cosmos. I took my ibuprofen and curled up with my heating pad and went to bed.

1 AM wake up with raging thirst and a very HOT bed.

2:14 Wake up to a screaming 5 year old who just pooped in her bed because she couldn't find the bunk bed ladder in her sleep. Shower and change her and put her in bed with me.

3:17 Wake up to wailing 2 year old who just fell out of her bed.

4:15 Wake up to thud where 2 year old fell out again.

6:32 Realize that the alarm going off is not going to stop.

I really need to catch up on some housework but something tells me if I manage to stay standing today I'll be on my way to the Mom Hall of Fame! The good news is that with all the up and down last night I never really had a chance to get stiff. That works in my favor right?

Two Cents Tuesday: Sane Parenting?

You can do that? You can't imagine my amazement yesterday when I went to see TuTu and grab the topic for Two Cents Tuesday. "Maintaining sanity while parenting." I am chomping at the bit to hit up her linky and educate myself. There is so much to learn!

But here's my two cents on sane parenting. It can't be done. If you make the choice to become a parent (or in my case if your BC decides to flame out in all its glory - 3 times!), you really have to check your sanity at the L&D door.

A. You will make ridiculous faces that no one in their right mind would ever make.

And some of them will be for cute reasons like making the baby smile and laugh for a million adorable pictures. But I found that most of my ridiculous faces were unintentional and for completely uncute reasons. For example the "Not Enough Hands Face" most often expressed while you are juggling diaper bag, toddler's hand, juice boxes, and stroller while "Mr. I have no Children" lets the mall door slam in your face. Ooo! Or how about "Did I Feed you THAT?! Face" You know the one. The one that contorts your face while you simultaneously try not to toss you lunch as you attempt to clean THAT up.

B. You will ask the same person to do the same thing at least 7 times in a half hour period.

I've read that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. That is exactly what happens when you ask a child to clean up anything. My playroom is a prime example. I can pile the toys up and ask, beg, plead, cry, wail, scream, threaten, bribe and cajole for as long as I have breath. The children simply will not pick them up. They can't fight gravity it seems. Gravity is what pulled everything off the shelves in the first place so there is no way they are going to be able to put it all back up.

C. You will set out to do one simple task and will end up doing everything but that task.

See, I just went upstairs with the intention of cleaning the bathrooms. But I went into the bathroom and remembered that the rugs were in the dryer so I went to the dryer to get them out and ended up emptying the dryer which led to moving the laundry from the washer. That of course led me to check all the laundry baskets for straggler laundry from the weekend. As long as I was in the room why not make the bed? This caused me to gather up an armful of toys who managed to escape gravity's choke hold and migrate all the way upstairs. I brought them back here to the pile in the playroom and thought I would check my e-mail as long as I was here. The bathrooms still haven't been cleaned. Everyone thinks those "If you Give a Mouse a..." books are so cute. They are until you live them. Every day. For a yet undisclosed number of years.

It is my personal opinion, if you attempt to retain all sanity and still be a parent you will miss out on the best part of the adventure. Sure I have a few bald patches here and there but the doctor tells me as soon as they start to fill in again I can take the huggy jacket off.

Let's be Real!

Last night while I was cruising around Bloggy Land I started looking at some profile pics and of course thinking about mine. This is the large version of my profile pic.

Aren't we all so cute and pretty?

But see when I'm sitting here at the computer writing to you and cruising your pages, this is totally NOT what I look like. How about a good dose of reality this morning? Here's what you would see if you could look through your page and see me on the other side.

(Obviously, I don't look that bored when I'm on your page but the web cam was not cooperating this morning and I was annoyed.)

So let's study this for a minute.

A. That would be the ever present ball cap that stays on my head to hide the fact that I haven't showered or even glanced in the direction of a hairbrush in 12 hours.

B. Present from fall to spring, you are now seeing the very fashionable hooded sweatshirt (one of 3 options). This is used to mask exhibit D but we'll get to that in a minute.

C. Please notice the total lack of makeup and the glaring presence of dark circles and bleariness. I don't wear makeup except for church and the bleariness is courtesy of sleeping in my contacts yet again.

D. The syrup and jelly stained shirt. That I slept in.

And you people wonder why I don't vlog very often. I'm just saying. I'm very glad that blogging is something I can do with a computer screen between you and me.

Who Did Their Homework?

I tried to do mine but Beloved kept changing the channel on me so I may have to go back and rewatch parts of the interview to make sure I have my facts straight. So I want to hear your reactions to Ms. Suleman's interview. Let's go with your gut reactions first - mad? Annoyed? Flabbergasted? Sad? Thrilled? Surprised?

Now give me your why's. Dateline's front page of course is all about the story so if you want to read some other reactions you can check them out there. But that's not what you came for. You came to see if I had done my homework and to hear me rant about it. So here you go.

My gut reaction? I'm sad. I'm sad for so many reasons. Her older daughter's reaction to the question "are you excited?" was met with a pretty quick "no." All of the older children made a note that there would be "a lot of crying" and one of the boys noted that the house was going to be "squishy." It's pretty clear that their feelings weren't taken into consideration.

Then I'm sad because her own mother has been pretty clear about her disapproval. To have that very critical support fall out from under you with any birth is pretty tough to handle. I'm sad because it really looks like she has NO plan financial, physical or otherwise! She's counting on volunteers and friends to help her out. How long is that going to last?

Then I get angry. Her 3 year old is autistic. Can you imagine what an overload it's is going to be on this little guy when eight babies move in? On top of that I'm angry that she used her savings and funds that she earned for all the IVF and she is using disability checks for three of her children and student loans to pay for basic family necessities. If she is going to school but is using the loans for her family, who is paying the school? And aren't some student loans state and federally funded? My pressure really shot up when I noticed the French manicure in the footage of her with the babies. I don't know how much mani's cost in California but around here they are a luxury I have done without from the moment I started having children. So the money issue has me beyond tweaked.

On the schooling issue. I'm wondering when she is going to school. How far is she into her degree? How long before she is able to start working and earning money and paying back those loans and supporting her family?

Now let's get into the doctor. He's up for review and possible censure by his own board of peers for pulling this implantation in the first place. However, to hear her tell it, he's been implanting this many embryos all along. But this is where it gets to a slippery slope for me. If we start to regulate how many embryos can be implanted and how many times a woman can have IVF, are we going to deny women opportunities to have children?

Beloved kept asking me why I was so affected by this story last night. His answer to it all was "She's obviously crazy! Child Protective Services will end up taking the children anyway." But THAT'S exactly what bothers me! If she is unsound mentally shouldn't the public be more concerned about her getting help? And if a person can't be a parent because they are mentally unsound, who is going to start administering that test? And what about all of the mothers who battle PPD daily? Are their children going to be taken away? Won't it be even MORE traumatic for these 14 children to be split up by CPS?

The best answer she had for "how does the father feel" was that he's shocked. This draws into question whether he even knew about this last round of IVF. She says that she talked to him each time she tried but he's shocked that there are eight this time. There is a serious incongruity here for me. Either she didn't tell him that she was doing it, she didn't tell him how many embryos were being implanted or the doctor wasn't implanting 6 every time. Anyway you slice it there's more to that part of the story.

I really wish I had been able to come out of this interview with more answers than questions. I think I'm actually more confused now.

Tomorrow Night!

I have homework for you all for tomorrow night. The Octuplet's Mom is on Dateline tomorrow night. Now you saw my interview for her and the preview I saw on the Today Show this morning (for 3 minutes before I got aggravated and went for my walk) was some pretty softball questions. I'm really hoping that Ann Curry is a reader of the Bowl and hit her with all of mine. You can bet that we will be disussing this on Wednesday (the not so wordless part) so I expect you to all come to the table with your notes and reviews.

Gentlemen readers (all two of you!) I will be expecting you to shed some light on this mystery man too. You are NOT exempt! From what I understand he is not the man she was married to for 7 years but rather a friend who helped her out. He has not seen ANY of the children he has "fathered." Jay and Buck! I need you to help me understand this.

So until Wednesday! Although my thoughts will probably go into draft late tomorrow night!

My Interview for the Octuplet Mom

I've tried to keep it in but I just can't anymore. This woman has made my head just about spin off my shoulders. I'm not paying her to grant my interview but here's what I want to know (just in case any of you are journalists). I watched the CNN story this morning and I have more than just a few questions.

#1. How did a person who has not had a job for several years afford IVF?
#2. Who is this "sperm donor" they keep referring too and how does he feel about this?
#3. How can you responsibly have 8 more children when you just bankrupted your own parents for a house?
#4. How did you afford to hire a publicist when you have no job?
#5. According to your own mother, you did this because you wanted "one more girl." Why didn't you take all those funds (#1 and #4) and adopt a child who needs parents?
#6. What makes you a parenting expert?

It's that last question that blows my mind the most. This woman has 14 children under the age of 8 and she thinks she's an expert? I'm sorry. But until you have at least covered puberty with at least three of your children, I don't think you can even dream of claiming expert status. What exactly are you an expert on? Getting them to eat their veggies?

There is something very suspicious about this whole thing. Where did all this money come from? Who did the procedure in the first place? CNN is reporting that they can't find a single fertility expert who would implant that many embryos in a young healthy mother to begin with. The highest number I have heard is 5 and that is for a woman in her 40's or a high risk mother. From my understanding she is only in her thirties (and young thirties at that) and since she already has six children I'm thinking high risk isn't an accurate description either.

And let's get back to the father(s) in this scenario. Where is the father(s) for the first 6? And who is this "sperm donor?" That in itself is irritating me. He is referred to as the donor everywhere so this only affirms my thought that this was a science experiment that went too far.

I understand a woman controlling her own body. I have to wonder though what is in this woman's head to do all of this. And to paint herself as an expert on top of it.

I fear for these children and their future. They aren't even a month old yet and it's already gone sideways. But this is just my take. Please, can someone spin this for me so that I stop thinking she needs to borrow my huggy jacket?

Journey on a Winding Road: Is it Self Inflicted?

This particular post has been rattling around in my brain for a very long while but today seems to be the day to let it out.

I did not leave the couch until noon today. That's right, sports fans. I curled up under two blankets with the dog and I dozed while my children watched cartoons. Bad Mommy!

The beds upstairs aren't made yet. The beds are always made by 9 am. Bad Mommy!

There are three loads of laundry that need to be folded and put away and there are probably three more that need to be washed. Bad Mommy!

There are still dishes from last night's dinner that haven't been washed. Bad Mommy!

The playroom is a total nightmare that is beginning to draw FEMA's attention and I haven't done a thing about it except say, "You guys promised Daddy that you would clean it up today so get to it." Oh yeah! I'm a real motivational speaker. Bad Mommy!

But there's where the problem is. Who is saying "Bad Mommy!"? Is it my mom? She's 600 miles away and has no clue what my house looks like right now. Is it my mother in law? She has never set foot in my house and you can bet your kiester if she ever did it wouldn't look like this! Is it my friends? My friends are working mothers who I talk to on the phone or they are online bloggy land and CM friends who again don't see my house.

So who is saying it? I am. That's the problem. No one expects me to be Super Mom. Except me. No one in my circle would judge me for taking a day off. Except me. So often I take my pride from what I got accomplished today. I did nine loads of laundry last Thursday, made cookies, shampooed the carpets, dusted all the furniture, cook a supreme dinner, scrubbed both bathrooms and had my children fed, bathed and polished before their father came home at 8 o'clock.

But let me have a day like today and I am done in. I get all blue because my house is cluttered (who cares?), and because I feel like I haven't done anything all day. But let me go back and tell you what I did while I was on the couch this morning.

I snuggled and played toe tag with Tucker. I played with Munch and her stuffed toys and made them talk to her. I played hide and seek with both of them - I was a really tough find! And I protected the dog from countless skull fracturing pounces.

I stopped being busy and I took four precious hours to be Mom. So when those blues at not "accomplishing" anything all day start to creep I need to remember that no one is asking me to do all that stuff. I am putting that on myself.

I think MckMama had a really great post last week (or maybe the week before) about Mom Guilt that all of us on this journey would do well to read and consider. We have to keep reminding ourselves that it's not about Quantity. It's about Quality!

Mom in Chief

So I was cleaning the kids' bathroom this morning (you know what comes next, right?) and started thinking (you saw that one coming!). I remembered the 60 Minutes interview with Barak and Michelle Obama shortly after the election and it stood out to me that she claimed the "Mom in Chief" title.

Now when thoughts like this occur to me in the bathroom I immediately start to "brain blog" phrasing things out and "reading" in my head. How cool would it be if Michelle Obama - our First Lady and someone who I think is pretty darn down to earth and painfully intelligent (Harvard and Princeton grad) - would start a blog about being a mom in today's economy, environment, and in the White House?

Think about it. Just because her house is bigger doesn't mean she isn't impacted by the same things we are. In the same interview she noted that the girls weren't going to be off the hook on doing their chores and being responsible for their things. Even if they DO have a full staff at their disposal.

She is going to be impacted by the same laws we are. She is going to have to deal with behavior issues and school issues. She's going to have to teach the same lessons we are. I know that other first ladies have faced all of this but now that I'm a mom it's different for me. Now I notice. And now that I'm a blogger I get to see more perspectives in parenting than I have before now.

So all in favor of the Mom in Chief blog, please raise your hand! I'd read it (and I probably comment too - but with a lot of spell check)!

Now THIS Is Sincerely Frightening!

Police: Angry Ohio boy, 4, shoots baby sitter

Tue Jan 6, 12:22 am ET
JACKSON, Ohio – Police say an angry 4-year-old Ohio boy grabbed a gun from a closet and shot his baby sitter.

Eighteen-year-old Nathan Beavers was hospitalized Sunday with minor wounds to his arm and side after the shotgun attack. Police say another teen was also injured.

Witnesses told police the child was angry because Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot.

Beavers was watching the child at a mobile home in Jackson with several other teenagers and several other children.

Jackson County Sheriff John Shashteen says authorities are investigating. The child has not been charged.

There was a shotgun in an unsecured closet. This child has such a temper that a shotgun is the answer to someone stepping on his foot. I am assuming that the shotgun was loaded because I can't imagine a 4 year old having the strength to open and load a shotgun. The child knew how to operate it.

This is just incredible to me. I'm not sure if it's a medical malfunction in the child's brain, lousy parenting, carelessness, irresponsibility or just the whole smash all tossed in a blender and put on frappe!

I grew up with guns in the home. My father was responsible enough to keep them unloaded and when it was affordable for our family buy a gun safe and lock them up. We were taught that we did not touch the guns under any circumstance and when we were old enough we were allowed to learn how to handle them if we wanted to.

We were also taught how to express ourselves so that when someone stepped on our foot an apology was sufficient to make things right. We learned to distinguish between accidents and intentional harm and we knew how to deal with both in a healthy manner. But then again we grew up without a TV so we weren't bombarded by guns blazing and the sounds of violence and chaos punctuated with cursing.

Someday the world will turn right side up again, won't it?

Can Anyone Spell B-R-A-T?

I am having some trouble trying to decide if I should laugh or if I should be disturbed about how coddled this child must be!

An eight year old (I'm thinking third grade?) German boy stole his teachers keys, fired up her compact and crashed it into a Volvo. Why? Because his teacher sent him out of class and he was going home to tell Mommy! Now I have an imagination but even I can't make this stuff up!!

Disgruntled 8-year-old boy crashes teacher's car

When I was eight I was still learning to ride my bike. If I was acting up so bad that I needed to be sent out of class, my parents were the last people I wanted to see!

*But this child steals his teacher's keys. Yeah, that morals lesson stuck!

*He tries to drive her car. Because his parents have taught him so much about safety and endangering others!

*And he's doing it all because he's going home to whine to Mommy about being treated unfairly? Good job on teaching your child consequences!

Over $10,000 in damages were done. In my house that child would never have an allowance again! And you know he wasn't covered by his parents' insurance.

But let's look at this again. How in the world did this child get out of the school without someone noticing? How long do you think it's going to take for someone to sue the school for negligence? And how much do you think they'll win?

The world has gone mad I tell you! Mad!!

Am I the Only Person Bothered by This?

I am a person of average height (5'7") and my husband is tall (6'3"). My children have always been in the 95% in height. Height has never been a problem for our family but I still have a problem with this.

Aren't we trying to eliminate growth hormones from our food? Hasn't it been shown that these can have effects beyond building them taller? I'm confused.

But my big problem with this is the motivation behind it. Your perfectly healthy child is being picked on for being short so you boost them with growth hormones. Why not just teach them how to cope with bullies? What ever happened to "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?"

Better yet. Why aren't the bullies' parents taking active steps to stop the action? Is it ok for people to be bullying about height? Or color? Or weight? Are we going to start allowing children to get gastric bypass? And what are we going to do for the children who are teased about being too tall?

I am a little concerned about the things we are doing with science and medicine. Instead of focusing on cures for disease we are researching how to eliminate teasing? Where is the line? Is there a line? Will we eventually get to the point of Stepford medicine? Will we eventually be able to fix every little imperfection or facet that we don't like about ourselves?

What happens to the personalities? What makes one person different from another? Where is the emotional strength? I know I am firing off questions like a machine gun but I can't make sense of it. Why would you spend 10's of thousands of dollars to "fix" a perfectly healthy child? What message are you sending? If someone bullies you, retreat into your shell and go buy a cure for yourself. Or is it, the bully was right. You ARE short and that is wrong.

I understand in the piece they noted that this child was not able to reach the water fountain and that is an issue. But isn't it the law that provisions are made? Like maybe a step stool? My husband gained inches late in high school. What is going to happen to the 8 year old who goes through this therapy who has a growth spurt in high school?

I am concerned about the implications this bears. But I'm not the only person with an opinion. What's yours?