Maybe I'm Just Bitter. Or Maybe Hollywood Stinks!

Let me begin by saying that the last movie I saw in a theater was Four Christmases with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn and I think that was last year at Christmas. So maybe I'm out of touch. I'll be open to that idea.

Here's my beef with Hollywood. They keep inundating the market with lousy movies. Yeah I know that's all our beef but I have a point so ride it out with me. Hollywood makes lousy movie upon lousy movie. They give them three weeks to do something in the theater and then they yank them out to foist the next lousy movie on us.

Maybe the theory is "Throw enough garbage at them and something HAS to stick." Maybe Hollywood is getting a kickback from Orville Redenbacher (and yes, I had to look up how to spell his name). My problem is that it's machine gun firing movies at us to the point that I have quit even thinking about getting a sitter for the theater. I'll just wait six months for it to hit the dollar movie box at the grocery store and watch it at home.

And there's some more prime rib for you! Why in heaven's name would I want to hire a sitter for $15 an hour; pay $20 for tickets; and another $20 for gluttonous oversized concessions (that are only going to give me heartburn and add 30 minutes to my workout the next day), only to go into a dark room of texting, jabbering, giggling teenagers and simultaneously have my retinas burnt out and my ear drums ruptured? Huuuuuuuh?

Special effects are overdone to the point that watching Transformers at home on my TV gave me a migraine. Can you imagine if I had seen it in the theater? My head would have exploded. And in doing my research for this post (yes, sometimes I research) I learned that the reason the previews are so loud is so that they can be heard over any talking before the feature. But they NEVER TURN IT DOWN!!! And heaven help you if you are in a mostly empty theater.

But just in case you are a serious carnivore, let me give you one more little fillet. Movies are only in the theaters 8 to 10 weeks on average. And that's only if they are making money! Do you know that according to Reuters Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (arguably one of the best movies EVER!!) spent 12 weeks at #1?! Do you know why? I'll offer my opinion. Because it was arguably one of the best movies EVER!! I jest of course; we all know the best movie ever was Tombstone.

Now seriously A) Because it WAS a decent movie with adventure, humor, love interest, cute kid and gasp! a story line. And B) because the folks in Hollywood weren't throwing 416 more movies down the chute right behind it, beside it and on top of it.

I just pulled up the AFI's Top 100 list and of the top 25 only four were released during my lifetime - Raging Bull, Schindler's List, Star Wars (and that's a technicality), and ET. Schindler's List, the most recent, was 1993. Sixteen years ago people. Have great movies come out since then? Maybe Forrest Gump? I could have done without Titanic. Erin Brokovich would have been a lot better without all the F bombs. And I can't really think of another Earth shaker. I have liked several of the animated movies since (Over the Hedge ROCKS!! Right up there with Tombstone on my list) but it's hard to make a bad one now with Pixar and Dreamworks in the game.

So what's your point Sarah?

Dear Hollywood,

We want quality, not quantity. I want to be able to go to the theater as a family and not worry about my children going blind or leaving with ringing ears. I want to be able to take them to a truly G rated movie. And I want to be whisked away again. I want to be able to sit like Grace and Annie and Daddy Warbucks and be truly moved by a movie. I want an actor like Carey Grant or Humphrey Bogart to sweep me off my feet. I want a Katherine and Audrey Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman to demonstrate that class and strength can be still found in a woman. No more profanity to get a laugh. No more explosions that shake the walls. The African Queen. Arsenic and Old Lace. Harvey. Give me a movie that means something.

Then you can have my $20 again.

A dose of the ridiculous

I turned on the One Eyed Monster just now and caught the very end of The Abyss. This is one of my top 100 movies so I've seen it a time or two and I'm fascinated by the special effects. I have never assumed that this really happened. But at the end of the credits there it is. That disclaimer that comes at the end of every movie.

"The individuals and events in this motion picture are completely fictional and any similarities to real people and events is coincidental." Or something like that.

Did people really think that this guy free fell to the bottom of the ocean to disarm a nuke?

Do UFO's (underwater floating objects - you think I'm kidding? Watch the movie!) really control the molecular structure of water to communicate?

Are you kidding me?!

Usually when a movie is based on a real story or person, it's all over all the promoting of the movie to begin with. There are behind the scenes specials released and the entertainment news outlets drag up interviews with the subjects former dog walker's great aunt's hairstylist to get the "real" story.

What strikes me as so ridiculous is that our society is so out of whack that someone would probably sue the studio if they saw a movie that portrayed a midnight snack induced dream they had. Why is that disclaimer even necessary when a studio is making a sci-fi movie? Are people really THAT out of touch?

Maybe I'm just jealous that no one has done a movie about an out of shape yoga pants wearing mom of preschoolers who is obsessed with blogging.