Saturday, August 8, 2009

Maybe I'm Just Bitter. Or Maybe Hollywood Stinks!

Let me begin by saying that the last movie I saw in a theater was Four Christmases with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn and I think that was last year at Christmas. So maybe I'm out of touch. I'll be open to that idea.

Here's my beef with Hollywood. They keep inundating the market with lousy movies. Yeah I know that's all our beef but I have a point so ride it out with me. Hollywood makes lousy movie upon lousy movie. They give them three weeks to do something in the theater and then they yank them out to foist the next lousy movie on us.

Maybe the theory is "Throw enough garbage at them and something HAS to stick." Maybe Hollywood is getting a kickback from Orville Redenbacher (and yes, I had to look up how to spell his name). My problem is that it's machine gun firing movies at us to the point that I have quit even thinking about getting a sitter for the theater. I'll just wait six months for it to hit the dollar movie box at the grocery store and watch it at home.

And there's some more prime rib for you! Why in heaven's name would I want to hire a sitter for $15 an hour; pay $20 for tickets; and another $20 for gluttonous oversized concessions (that are only going to give me heartburn and add 30 minutes to my workout the next day), only to go into a dark room of texting, jabbering, giggling teenagers and simultaneously have my retinas burnt out and my ear drums ruptured? Huuuuuuuh?

Special effects are overdone to the point that watching Transformers at home on my TV gave me a migraine. Can you imagine if I had seen it in the theater? My head would have exploded. And in doing my research for this post (yes, sometimes I research) I learned that the reason the previews are so loud is so that they can be heard over any talking before the feature. But they NEVER TURN IT DOWN!!! And heaven help you if you are in a mostly empty theater.

But just in case you are a serious carnivore, let me give you one more little fillet. Movies are only in the theaters 8 to 10 weeks on average. And that's only if they are making money! Do you know that according to Reuters Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (arguably one of the best movies EVER!!) spent 12 weeks at #1?! Do you know why? I'll offer my opinion. Because it was arguably one of the best movies EVER!! I jest of course; we all know the best movie ever was Tombstone.

Now seriously A) Because it WAS a decent movie with adventure, humor, love interest, cute kid and gasp! a story line. And B) because the folks in Hollywood weren't throwing 416 more movies down the chute right behind it, beside it and on top of it.

I just pulled up the AFI's Top 100 list and of the top 25 only four were released during my lifetime - Raging Bull, Schindler's List, Star Wars (and that's a technicality), and ET. Schindler's List, the most recent, was 1993. Sixteen years ago people. Have great movies come out since then? Maybe Forrest Gump? I could have done without Titanic. Erin Brokovich would have been a lot better without all the F bombs. And I can't really think of another Earth shaker. I have liked several of the animated movies since (Over the Hedge ROCKS!! Right up there with Tombstone on my list) but it's hard to make a bad one now with Pixar and Dreamworks in the game.

So what's your point Sarah?

Dear Hollywood,

We want quality, not quantity. I want to be able to go to the theater as a family and not worry about my children going blind or leaving with ringing ears. I want to be able to take them to a truly G rated movie. And I want to be whisked away again. I want to be able to sit like Grace and Annie and Daddy Warbucks and be truly moved by a movie. I want an actor like Carey Grant or Humphrey Bogart to sweep me off my feet. I want a Katherine and Audrey Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman to demonstrate that class and strength can be still found in a woman. No more profanity to get a laugh. No more explosions that shake the walls. The African Queen. Arsenic and Old Lace. Harvey. Give me a movie that means something.

Then you can have my $20 again.

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