Wednesday, September 16, 2009

How to Feed Mom Guilt

I'm pregnant with Mom Guilt this evening. Ha! You thought I was announcing that I was pregnant?! You ain't from these parts are ya?

No, I'm just being over run with Mom Guilt tonight and I need to vent it.

I sit and watch my friends' children excel in literacy and extracurriculars and pretty much everything they put their little hands to. And then I look at my first month of school.

Weeks one and two: had almost daily e-mails and phone conferences with boy's teachers to deal with behavior issues.

Week three: get the letter that #1 girl needs to be referred for help with literacy because she may be demonstrating signs of dyslexia and they want to get her help as quickly as possible.

Week three: also get referral paperwork to get boy into speech therapy which we knew was coming but still...

Week four (that's this week): realize hours after the children have gone to bed that I have completely forgotten to work with #1 girl on her site words for this week and her address which she is supposed to have memorized in the next two weeks.

Parent conferences are two weeks away and I feel like a big old flop.

But then I sat on my bed and I read books with them and they hugged me super close and didn't want to stop. They crawled in their beds and we all said it together:

Good night.
I love you!
And when you wake up in the morning
I'll love you even more.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have to give to them from every area. I have to play as much as I work. I have to listen as much as I talk. And I have to get some sleep.

Mom Guilt sucks up exhaustion like a dog following behind a cookie eating toddler. She'll be fine. She may have to work harder and I'll have to be more patient; but she'll be fine. And eventually he'll meet someone who speaks his language, right?

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to morning.

It's morning and I think the boy hacked my blogger and read this post.

Two hours into school and the school murse called to ask me to come get him. He has had another potty accident and is having a melt down about cleaning himself up.

I got there and he looked up at me from red ringed teary eyes and a drippy nose and gasped out, "I missed you Mommy. Did you miss me?"

What do you do? You know that he acted inappropriately and that he needs to have some kind of punishment. You waver because you SHOULD send him back to class and not give him what he wanted in the first place. And then he melts down at the very thought and you see the exhaustion in his face. He slept a full night last night but he was just "off" this morning when you got him up.

I resigned myself to bringing him home and he is spending the day in his room in "solitary." But we had a long talk about how I DO miss him when he's at school but that just makes me that much happier to see him when he gets home. And I want him to get smart and learn all kinds of stuff so he can teach me and he can't do that from home. He needs to go to school. He cried because he could see my dissapointment which of course ripped my heart out.

And Mom Guilt gorged on the whole scenario because now I am questioning AGAIN if I sent him to school too soon. Maybe he just wasn't ready yet.

Jane, stop this crazy thing called ...... Parenting. (Bonus points if you can name that movie.)


Jennifer said...

I'm a firm believer that Mommy Guilt is a 100% conclusive symptom of being a awesome mother. I know that does not help one bit when you're in the midst of it.

Here's one way to look at things... I never struggled in school - everything was super easy for me. And when I hit real life and encountered things that were hard, I had no clue how to deal with stuff that wasn't easy. If your kids have obstacles to overcome now, it might teach them very valuable life lessons and make things easier for them later in life.

Jenera said...

I think no matter what choice we make we'll always doubt it. Good bad or otherwise.

Staci said...

I can't name the movie, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having such a rough spot.

I think no matter what we do, we'll always feel guilty.

(Oh and the sight words-tape them to the fridge. Seems to be the one place someone is always looking at! It's helped a ton around here.)

Midwest Mommy said...

Oh man it is just so hard. I worry all the time and feel guilty all the time. It is so hard.

Vegas Housewife said...

Dude. I feel ya. Same here. My son is one to hold it all in during school, and then let the shit fly once he gets home.

Dear father, who aret in heaven....

Seriously. I'm ready to have a breakdown. And get some therapy. And some major anxiety treatment for the kid.

Big (hugs) to you.

Vegas Housewife said...

Note to self: spell check before posting...LOL.