Just when I thought Stupidity had taken a Vacation.

It rears its ugly head and blows me a raspberry.

I would never claim to have "seen it all" but I am one step closer. I have seen the ultimate in moron and it is ugly. Someone here in my great state, not even that far away from where I live has actually created a listing on e-Bay for...wait for it...ready?

An Air Guitar.

That's right. The imaginary guitar that people pretend to play when they are truly jamming to the great hits of the 80's. No offense 80's fans - I know you two are reading this!

Now the good news is that they are offering free shipping so the guitar can be yours for a simple bid. Unfortunately you can't return it if it arrives dinged or damaged. I kid you not. They actually completed all the stips and even posted a disclaimer announcing that it was a joke.

But it gets better. Keep going to page 3. There is a SECOND air guitar listed. And this one comes with a demo video. For $19.99 shipping you can have it shipped directly to your home. This bid was even linked to a charitable organization claiming that all the proceeds from the sale of this empty box go straight to...wait for it...it's another good one!

A project supporting black bears. Because there is nothing I like more than a hike in the north GA mountains to hear a black bear jam out on his air guitar.

Someday I will find a way to get paid to walk around V8-ing stupid people.

Dear Ms. Manners (that would be you faithful readers)

I need some help addressing a strange and uncomfortable situation.

Our neighbors have sold their house and are moving in two weeks. As a way to say farewell, I planned and hosted a cookout this past Saturday. We of course invited the neighbors from the other side as well since we are all friends. On several occasions throughout the week I let everyone know that dinner was going to be served between 7:30 and 8. The topic came up as close to grilling time as the night before when one neighbor issued a mac and cheese challenge to the other.

All day Friday I worked to prepare food. All day Saturday I finished food and cleaned my house. Beloved was forced to stay an hour and a half late at his office but still made it home by 7:45. There was still a chance to eat on time. Until...

My phone rang and the second neighbor informed me that he was just leaving the grocery store where he was picking up the ingredients for his girlfriend's mac and cheese contribution. In other words, she had had the whole day and was just beginning her preparations at the time we had said we were going to eat. Neighbor then told me that it was his fault because he had been at work all day. That was corrected when the guests of honor told me that he had been at their house to watch the Kentucky Derby not two hours before when Guest of Honor had been making her contribution.

Beloved disappeared and had I not seen him pass the kitchen window, I would have had no idea where he was. At 8:30 I called the neighbor and asked to speak to my husband. I was then told that he was helping her cook and he would be back with everyone in "a few minutes." When he came back, the cook was conspicuously absent as was the bread for the spinach dip they agreed to bring and the mac and cheese.

At 9:30 we finally sat down to eat. I tried to make pleasant conversation with her and completely avoided any mention of the tardiness. I was ready to let bygones be bygones. The table was barely cleared from dessert when she vanished with our neighbor.

As a gesture of faith and forgiveness, I extended a second invitation yesterday for dinner. No requirements; no time constraints. "I won't commit because I would hate to screw things up a second time and be late." Her sarcasm was thick and abrasive.

And this is not the first time this has happened. Three weeks ago a Sunday brunch was planned at my house without my knowledge for 12:30. Beloved was making the steak and eggs; they were bringing the pancakes. I got home from church at 11 and scrambled to clean up and get ready for company only to have Beloved vanish at 12:45 and come back reporting that the pancake batter hadn't even been mixed up much less cooked.

I would excuse her behavior as youth but she is the same age as me. I would let the "he was working excuse slide" but she has a car and was home all day (except for that period when she was watching The Derby). I would even forgive the rejection of last night's dinner as being simply uncomfortable. The problem lies in the fact that this is my husband's good friend and to have strain between the two of us creates an uncomfortable situation for them.

So I ask you, should I speak to her and let her know that all is well? And if I speak to her and try to put it away, do I address the constant tardiness? How do I address this with either of them?

I am more and more convinced that common manners and social graces are dead. I don't expect anyone to play by ALL of Emily Posts rules any more. But to arrive two hours late to dinner which was delayed on their behalf and not even extend an apology, takes the manner decomposition to a whole new level.

Am I too old fashioned? Do I expect too much of people? Am I a fountain pen in a iMac world?

Well, I didn't go this far - but that's not to say I didn't think about it.

Because Losers are Awesome! That's Why!

I am a fan of Real Sports with Bryant Gumble on HBO. It really can be a fascinating show and some of the stories are AWESOME! But this month it just flat out ticked me off.

If you haven't seen it yet, and you get HBO you need to stalk for it. There is a story about The Banning of Dodgeball in schools. Yes, I know. Out of 33 followers and random readers from around the blogosphere, at least one of you has a horrible memory of dodgeball. Some of you have horrible memories of gym class and middle school in general. See a therapist. I'm not your go to on this one.

My problem wasn't so much the banning of dodgeball but the reasoning behind it. We don't want children to be scarred by losing. They need to participate in activities that will help them feel successful. Seriously? You can't let children lose at a gym activity?

But it gets worse. They showed further footage of a PE teacher training in which they were...Wait for it! Jumping rope. WITHOUT A ROPE!

Pick your jaws up people. It is real and I watched it twice just to be sure. They encourage children to use their imaginations for how many times the rope can pass under them. And why don't we use a real rope? Because we could trip ourselves and get hurt.

Which leads me to indignation #3. A school has also banned tag. They can only play "Shadow Tag" (step on the person's shadow to freeze/unfreeze them) because too many children were falling down and getting bruises and scrapes. In this economy you want to go a step further and put Band-Aid out of business? That's just wrong!

But no touch tag wasn't enough. Because things were so delightful (please pardon my sarcasm), they decided to ban touching at all. Air high fives. Air hugs. And no patting a friend on the back.

Wait. I'll be right back after I brush the vomit taste out of my mouth.

Who wants to make the first prediction as to what happens to these "Chronic Winners" when they don't get the job on the first job interview? What happens when they get dumped? What happens when they don't get into the school they want because their test scores aren't good enough?

And if we are eliminating everything that could cause injury, does that mean we are banishing all organized sports? No more Tee Ball. No more soccer. Do you have any ideas how many times I stopped a soccer ball with my face in gym class? My sister wore hockey ball badges on her shins for crying out loud! And that was only practice!

Why can't children learn dissapointment? Isn't it more important to teach them to handle losing with grace and sportsmanship than to pamper their egos and give them a false sense of self? Competition is real people. And some people win. And some people lose. It's how the losers handle it that determines their character. The same can be said of winners.

So suck it up. Take a ball to the head or the small of your back. Shake it off and be graceful about it.

If you can see through your swollen eye.

What Do Ya Know?!

It turns out I am just one viral video away from my 15 seconds of fame!

Yeah, I know. It used to be 15 minutes but they had to scale back because so many people are using You Tube and Photobucket and Stickam and webcams and Viddler and Movie Maker and Adobe and Photoshop that now anyone can be famous for just about anything.

I'm going to do a video of me picking stuff up with my toes while I fold laundry and change a diaper. Then I'm going to add a bunch of cool effects and some awesome music like Hey Hey We're the Monkeys and I'm going to upload it and spam the crap out of everyone to go vote for me and laugh at me. Then I'll be sure to be a rock star and I'll be on the cover of all the tabloids.

I'll be famous for being absolutely average and normal. Won't it be great?!?!

I'll have to do something about the paparazzi. I should stock up on sunglasses and umbrellas.

Hey Georgia! Take Driver's Ed!

The residents of my personal work camp fixed my soap box yesterday so I'm back up on it.

Georgia residents must take drivers ed. They have to. If they don't I demand that they turn in their car keys for bike helmets. You would think that people would be a lot more careful when they are pushing tons of metal around on the highways and by ways but not here in Georgia.

Let me give you a crash course people.

#1. When it rains you reduce your speed, turn on your wipers and headlights and you follow at a greater distance to allow for more stopping time. This does not mean drop to 20 miles an hour nor does it mean continue to barrel along at 70 like you normally do.

#2. A yellow light does not mean "Gun It!" It means slow down or maybe actually stop ahead of time so that you are not blocking the entire intersection thus snaggling traffic for people in the three roadways.

Especially do not block an intersection in front of a fire station. When stupid people like you get behind the wheel accidents happen and guess who gets called to the scene. The emergency personnel that you know have pinned down in their station. They have no qualms with plowing you out of the way and since they are bigger than you, something tells me you are going to get the short end of the stick.

#3. On the left side of your steering column there is a lever. You are probably familiar with it - it has the knob to turn on your headlights. But apparently there is something else you didn't know about it. If you push it up or down it locks and completes an electrical circuit that makes some lights on your car flash. You know what those flashing lights tell the rest of the drivers? That you intend to turn your car one direction or the other. Let me simplify it a little more for you - up is right; down is left.

One thing you should know about this wonderfully useful lever. It is most effective if you use it in advance of your turn. See, then the people behind you know what you intend to do before you do it. Using it in midturn is perfectly worthless.

#4. This one is a little tricky so I'll type slowly and use small words. The Yield sign means that you slow down or maybe even stop and give the right of way to the people coming down the road that you are turning onto. It does not mean that you should charge onto the six feet of roadway that you have left and shove your bumper in my wheel well while giving me one way directions with the appropriate finger. If I take your bumper home with me as a souvenir, guess who is getting the ticket for failure to yield. One hint. It ain't me.

And finally #5. And this is aimed at the lady in the black Audi who takes her children to the Creme de la Creme across the street from my subdivision. There is an enormous sign that says "No left turn." If you insist on continuing to make a left turn into the center, I will insist on removing your front bumper when I'm trying to get into my neighborhood without having my rear bumper and back seat ripped off by the people coming down the hill.

I will also be forced to sue the rings off your grill if I get T-boned because someone decided to use my turning lane as a travel lane trying to get around you and thus avoiding having their rear eaten by the cement truck that is barrelling down on them from the other side.

I'm sure there are about a million other rules of the road that you are oblivious to like how to merge, highway courtesy, and the definition of "speed LIMIT." Tip - they didn't print the sign like that because the word "suggestion" was too long. For now I will let you deal with our first five rules. Maybe next week we'll have another "Driving for Morons" course.

Until then, try not to kill anyone.

My Parents Knew Better than to Name me Grace!

I'll get around to Wordless Wednesday eventually but I really have to address this first.

We are dog sitting for our neighbor again (a three week stint this time) so on top of my normal toy vaulting, children dodging and laundry balancing, I've been doing the dog shuffle too. He's an 80 lb lab but he is the sweetest dog on the planet (unless you count the loaf of banana bread he snagged off the counter on Monday). He loves to wait for me to sit down somewhere and lay down next to the couch or chair.

Munch and I were cuddling on the couch yesterday settling down for nap and I decided that I should go put her in her bed since she's been having some adjustment issues. I scooped her and her blankies up and turned to head for her room. And promptly tripped over the dog. And by tripped I don't mean stumbled; I mean full blown Mama is going DOWN!

My brain kicked into high gear because I was going down between our end table and our armchair in a space that is only about 2 feet wide. Brain said "Don't drop the baby but don't let her smack her head on the end table either." So Body responded by trying to hit all fours but in the knees and elbows version so that hands and forearms could pull Munch in close so she wouldn't hit the ground. Every muscle in my back must have twisted and flexed in anticipation of the impact.

We hit. I managed to not land on Munch but I immediately started to cry. Partly out of relief that she was safe, partly out of anger at the dog, and a big chunk out of screaming pain. I am now the proud owner of two brushburnt elbows, a bruised knee, a jammed hip and some serious muscle aches in my back and shoulders.

You would think that would be enough for one day wouldn't you? Not according to the cosmos. I took my ibuprofen and curled up with my heating pad and went to bed.

1 AM wake up with raging thirst and a very HOT bed.

2:14 Wake up to a screaming 5 year old who just pooped in her bed because she couldn't find the bunk bed ladder in her sleep. Shower and change her and put her in bed with me.

3:17 Wake up to wailing 2 year old who just fell out of her bed.

4:15 Wake up to thud where 2 year old fell out again.

6:32 Realize that the alarm going off is not going to stop.

I really need to catch up on some housework but something tells me if I manage to stay standing today I'll be on my way to the Mom Hall of Fame! The good news is that with all the up and down last night I never really had a chance to get stiff. That works in my favor right?

Take your pick!

I was cruising through the news this morning and got trapped in the Odd News section. Now I know that many of you think that most of my news bits come from this section but I assure you that I find the vast majority in the politics, science, and world news areas. For today though we are going to peek at the Odd News headlines.

Naked hikers face spot fines
*Because when I'm climbing the Alps I just find clothes encumbering!

Venezuela military tells voters: don't eat your ballot
*I think they're just trying to avoid the inevitable poop search to ensure an accurate vote tally. Wimps!

Bishop arrested for child chimney pot stunt
*I have to store this one away for high school when the kids refused to do their homework - "Don't make me make you sit on the chimney!"

Deputies: Ohio teacher cut class for prostitution
*And we thought teacher pay in GA was bad! I wonder if she got detention (or couldn't the principal afford her?)

Cheers! Yeast gene map could mean better beer
*I don't know about you but genetically engineered beer sounds kind of scary!

Cops arrest man who sought help removing handcuffs
*Note to self: Do not go to a POLICE STATION to have handcuffs removed if you have been involved in illegal activity.

Ooo! Here's a really good one!
Man runs out of gas after robbing gas station
*That's right folks. He robbed the station but forgot to fill up first. I kid you not!

And finally one more clothing optional story for you.
Nude biker leads trooper on chase in bad weather
*I know on the rare occasion that it sleets here the first thing I do is strip and jump on a motorcycle in hopes of crashing into a police car!

So here it is from me to you. Anytime you feel like the news is too heavy to handle take a stroll through the Odd News - it helps. And the next time you pull a bonehead moment, just take solace in the fact that if you have clothes on you are ahead of the curve!

They Took a Balloon to Court and WON!!

I am almost speechless. Almost! This one is a doozie even by my standards.

NJ township can't declare inflatable rat a pest

A town in central New Jersey took on the local Electrical Workers Union over an inflatable rat they had displayed to signify a labor dispute. Now the article was a little confusin gon the first couple of takes but I think I have it sorted out now.

The union put it up in 2005 but was forced to take it down when an ordinance about banners and such was enforced. They began a lawsuit to get their rat BALLOON back. In 2007 an appeals court upheld the decision and allowed the labor folks to assess a $133 dollar fine. And now they have finally had their day in court with the New Jersy SUPREME COURT!

Please tell me that this did not happen. Yahoo News! Please come back tomorrow and print a retraction that this was a big joke tailored just for me, your one dedicated reader.

People tied a court up for 4 years to argue about whether their grotesque rat balloon was legal? What was the stinking labor dispute over anyway? And did you win that one? Or were you waiting to see the outcome of the rat?

I don't know who I'm more annoyed at. The town, county, and state of New Jersey for allowing it to go that far or the union for making it such a big deal to begin with! Can't we use our free speech for something more important than an ugly balloon rat on the side of the road? That's what you're going to spend county and state tax dollars on? Those roads up in New Jersey must be paved with gold and all their citizens are fed, healthy and happy. Domestic violence and the state child protection system must be incredibly well funded and food pantries must be overflowing!

Stupid people make my head hurt.

Seriously! Who studies this stuff?!

But more importantly....WHY?!?! (I'm excerpting this article because of space and obnoxious writing style. You can read the whole thing for yourself here.)

Finger length may predict financial success

By RANDOLPH E. SCHMID, AP Science Writer Randolph E. Schmid, Ap Science Writer – Mon Jan 12, 9:30 pm ET

WASHINGTON – The length of a man's ring finger may predict his success as a financial trader. Researchers at the University of Cambridge in England report that men with longer ring fingers, compared to their index fingers, tended to be more successful in the frantic high-frequency trading in the London financial district.

Indeed, the impact of biology on success was about equal to years of experience at the job, the team led by physiologist John M. Coates reports in Monday's edition of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

The same ring-to-index finger ratio has previously been associated with success in competitive sports such as soccer and basketball, the researchers noted.
The length ratio between those two fingers is determined during the development of the fetus and the relatively longer ring finger indicates greater exposure to the male hormone androgen, the researchers noted.

***
In a separate study last year, Coates and colleagues reported that the hormone that drives male aggression and sexual interest also seemed able to boost short term success at finance.

They studied male financial traders in London, taking saliva samples in the morning and evening. They found that those with higher levels of testosterone in the morning were more likely to make an unusually big profit that day. Testosterone, best known as the male sex hormone, affects aggression, confidence and risk-taking.

In the new study, the researchers measured the right hands of 44 male stock traders who were engaged in a type of trade that involved rapid decision-making and quick physical reactions.

Over 20 months those with longer ring fingers compared to their index fingers made 11 times more money than those with the shortest ring fingers. Over the same time the most experienced traders made about 9 times more than the least experienced ones.

Looking only at experienced traders, the long-ring-finger folks earned 5 times more than those with short ring fingers.
___
On the Net:
PNAS: http://www.pnas.org

Please tell me that you saw that^! You saw the web address right? Is anyone else mildly amused by this? What blows me away is that someone got PAID to measure fingers and collect spit for this study. Because when one is searching for a career the first thing on their resume is "My ring finger is exceptionally long!"

For the love of Pete Cambridge! Cure cancer! Find more effective treatments for AIDS and cholera! Use your money to get clean water to Africa. Who gives a rip about the finger lengths of Brit traders?

For all of our technological advances we sure are a stupid bunch aren't we?

Oh, Mainstream News Media! How I Love Thee!

Just when I think the blog inspiration well has gone dry, you do yet another new piece that just takes me to new levels and places of blogging joy! And for once I'm not going to pick on NBC. This time it's Ms. Sawyer and her network who is going to get my skewer! Ready?

Victoria Secret: Formaldehyde in Bras? So here's the story. A woman is suing VS for a rash that she developed in areas that contact her bra. Testing by her attorney's office has revealed the presence of formaldehyde in the bra; VS disputes that claim. That's the short version.

Now I took the time to actually look at some (not all 193 at last count) of the comments left for ABC on this news story and I am blown away! For two years or more in some of these cases women have been wearing these bras and having these problems. You never thought maybe there was a problem with the bra? You never thought maybe you should change your brand? You are just now putting two and two together because you saw it on the news?

I understand brand loyalty and as a woman I am incredibly aware that finding a bra that fits is a chore and a pain in so many areas other than your behind. But you are more willing to deal with rashes and blistering and SCARRING than you are to go find a new brand of bra? I don't know if you are crazy, lazy or just certifiably nuts!

Do I think VS should launch an investigation and find out what the problem is? Absolutely! Should some kind of restitution be made? Give them a refund on the faulty bras they can return to you and take the rest off the shelves. Pay them some kind of settlement? Not on your stinkin' life! Make people take responsibility for their own stupidity! You wore the bra even though it was giving you a rash! And someone else should pay you?

Well, if that's the case I'm going to go out and walk into a street sign. Then the steel industry needs to pay me for my head trauma! Or maybe the city for putting it somewhere where I could get to it.

And people wonder why children play the blame game when they get in trouble!

Stupid people tick em off! And shame on you Mainstream Media for giving them two minutes to be stupid for the whole world! But keep it up because someday I'll be able to say, "This blog brought to you by the find producers of ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC and FOX NEWS!"



http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=5195818

It's Called a What?

Oh, that's right! It's called a dish - WASHER! Silly me!

Now I am not one to lose my mind and rip off a good vent unless someone has pushed me. Well, guess what? That's a hand print in the middle of my back!

After church yesterday I made a dash out to the grocery store with the girls so that I would be able to combine trips. (By the way, don't come to GA if you are looking for gas. We don't have it! Another day for that one.) I called home to see if Beloved wanted something special for lunch while I was out and got the following lecture.

B: No. I'm fine. And that was the end of the call. But no sooner did I put my phone back in my purse than it was ringing again.

B: Can you do something for me?

Me: Oh, you decided what you want?

B: No. I don't want anything. But will you please wash the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher? I'm cleaning up the kitchen (wait for me to pick myself up off the floor) and there are dishes in here with little bits of food all over them.

Me: Are you kidding me? This rhetorical question asked so incredulously was answered with a three minute lecture about how it's hard on the dishwasher to have to clean food off of dishes and how our dishwasher (which is run a minimum of twice a day) is going to start drawing bugs.

The lecture would have lasted longer but I oh so politely excused myself from the conversation (ok, so I hung up on him!) and went about my shopping. Now this has had time to simmer in me and it's getting a little like a bad pot of chili. I keep getting hotter and hotter.

It is called a dish-washer. I put dish detergent in it. The argument is that it only serves to sanitize the dishes. Then why is NO ONE using actual soap and scrubbing on the dishes before they go in? Why am I not buying a sanitizing rinse to put in there instead?

I rinse the dishes before they go in so they are food free. Sure there are specks of ketchup left behind sometimes but it's a dish WASHER! And maybe I would be able to shake it off, but my darling Beloved has found a way to effectively restrain his cleaning urges. Yes, I have said the phrase "lift your feet" to him when vacuuming. So now he suddenly can tell me that I am going about things the wrong way?

Has he avoided eating off of dishes I have loaded in the dishWASHER my way? Nope!

Has he come down with some flesh eating virus he ingested from my dishes? Not yet!

Has the exterminator moved into the playroom? Absolutely not!

So what is the major malfunction? After lunch today I intentionally put a peanut butter covered bowl in the "dish sanitizer" just to get his goat when he gets home from work tonight. Tomorrow it's going to be a plate slathered in mustard and egg stuff. That'll teach him!