Hey Georgia! Take Driver's Ed!

The residents of my personal work camp fixed my soap box yesterday so I'm back up on it.

Georgia residents must take drivers ed. They have to. If they don't I demand that they turn in their car keys for bike helmets. You would think that people would be a lot more careful when they are pushing tons of metal around on the highways and by ways but not here in Georgia.

Let me give you a crash course people.

#1. When it rains you reduce your speed, turn on your wipers and headlights and you follow at a greater distance to allow for more stopping time. This does not mean drop to 20 miles an hour nor does it mean continue to barrel along at 70 like you normally do.

#2. A yellow light does not mean "Gun It!" It means slow down or maybe actually stop ahead of time so that you are not blocking the entire intersection thus snaggling traffic for people in the three roadways.

Especially do not block an intersection in front of a fire station. When stupid people like you get behind the wheel accidents happen and guess who gets called to the scene. The emergency personnel that you know have pinned down in their station. They have no qualms with plowing you out of the way and since they are bigger than you, something tells me you are going to get the short end of the stick.

#3. On the left side of your steering column there is a lever. You are probably familiar with it - it has the knob to turn on your headlights. But apparently there is something else you didn't know about it. If you push it up or down it locks and completes an electrical circuit that makes some lights on your car flash. You know what those flashing lights tell the rest of the drivers? That you intend to turn your car one direction or the other. Let me simplify it a little more for you - up is right; down is left.

One thing you should know about this wonderfully useful lever. It is most effective if you use it in advance of your turn. See, then the people behind you know what you intend to do before you do it. Using it in midturn is perfectly worthless.

#4. This one is a little tricky so I'll type slowly and use small words. The Yield sign means that you slow down or maybe even stop and give the right of way to the people coming down the road that you are turning onto. It does not mean that you should charge onto the six feet of roadway that you have left and shove your bumper in my wheel well while giving me one way directions with the appropriate finger. If I take your bumper home with me as a souvenir, guess who is getting the ticket for failure to yield. One hint. It ain't me.

And finally #5. And this is aimed at the lady in the black Audi who takes her children to the Creme de la Creme across the street from my subdivision. There is an enormous sign that says "No left turn." If you insist on continuing to make a left turn into the center, I will insist on removing your front bumper when I'm trying to get into my neighborhood without having my rear bumper and back seat ripped off by the people coming down the hill.

I will also be forced to sue the rings off your grill if I get T-boned because someone decided to use my turning lane as a travel lane trying to get around you and thus avoiding having their rear eaten by the cement truck that is barrelling down on them from the other side.

I'm sure there are about a million other rules of the road that you are oblivious to like how to merge, highway courtesy, and the definition of "speed LIMIT." Tip - they didn't print the sign like that because the word "suggestion" was too long. For now I will let you deal with our first five rules. Maybe next week we'll have another "Driving for Morons" course.

Until then, try not to kill anyone.