Musings from the Mud.

God bless Noah's wife. That poor woman must have been just about out of her gourd when the 40 days were up. A - she had to live on a boat. B - that boat was filled to the rafters with critters of every shape and size. C - she was locked in with her family and with 3 boys I'm sure there were some fights going on.

(Our downspout beside the garage)

*Editorial note - I apologize for the quality of the pictures. I took them with the Crackberry and it was during the torrential downpour phase so they are blurred from rain and grainy from the camera.*

I'm just sayin'. We've had 10 days of steady rain and I'm about out of my gourd; 4 times that?! She should be sainted. Here at Zoo Suburbia we managed to avoid any severe impact from the disaster that is Georgia right now. We had a little water in our garage where the footer drains got overwhelmed but that was it. Our neighbors? About 4 inches of water in their basement. (The water that ran around the neighbor's basement)

Yes, these are the neighbors who just bought the house. We called the old neighbors and they lamented the fact but were eternally grateful that they weren't there. The neighbors two doors down? Watched as two feet of water poured into their basement. Their front yard sits right over the storm drain so they were the lowest point on our side of the street and were bound to get something.

(The water that was headed to the storm drain in front of Neighbor #2)

But while we are on the subject...My hubby is a nut job. Love him but he's a total nut job. All day yesterday I was checking in with him and he kept saying, "It's just rain!" Like I was some kind of over reacting basket case who needed to be committed. (Pass on that if you know what's good for you!!) Then he came home and was just amazed by the pictures on the news and was gushing about how the river was swollen to the bottom of the bridge and how there were trees down on side streets around our area. Did I act like he was an over reacting basket case who needed to be committed? No. I did not. But I DID give in to the temptation to say, "It's just rain!"

The wee ones are home from school today while folks try to clean up and the waters recede some. And as a result I have decided that Gilbert Godfrey will forever be banned from this house. They were chilling out watching Thumbelina and of course he does the voice of some beetle in the movie. A - that's grating enough. But then B came down. Everything they said had that shrill nasaly whine of his even if they weren't trying to. It was like some subliminal something crawled into their voice box and MADE them talk like that. I wanted to stab my ears with the potato peeler. No more Mr. Godfrey. Even typing his name makes my head throb.

And of course with everyone home, I'm all out of whack. I walked around in a circle in the kitchen this morning completely unable to even think about what I was doing much less get anything accomplished. That definitely added to the headache factor.

The sun has finally decided to let us know that it didn't burn out completely so I might try to venture to the grocery store to get some brown sugar for some caramel crunch mix. But that would involve getting out of my jammies. Hmmmm...I wonder if it's worth it.

It Goes by Many Names

Certain people call it Blog Fart Friday. The really classy ones anyway. I think The Mom, Jen at Cheaper than Therapy calls it Friday Fragments (but what does she know about class?). I should probably call my Car Rider Crumbs since all this stuff came up while I was sitting in the car rider line reminding Munch 4,862,973 times that we can't go home until we pick up the big guys.

Anyway, what ever you call it, the concept is simple. This is the randomness that couldn't be stretched into a full post even by me - the self proclaimed Queen of Fluffy Filler.

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There is something about finding a recipe online or in some obscure cookbook and having the courage to tweak it to your own signature. Almost like vandalizing a neighbor's house on Halloween (not that I would know). There's always the chance that something will go wrong or someone will drive by and catch you. But in cooking it's the chance that a spice will go sideways on you or will be one of those "strengthens as it cooks" or "dried and ground is not the same as fresh grated" spices. And the whole world suddenly knows that you were the one who messed with the standard. And they never eat at your house again.

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More proof that I am NOT a good person. I will not flash my headlights to warn people of the cop who is about to catch them blatantly speeding in a school zone. Call it tough love or discipline. But for the sake of my children, their classmates, and the school bus drivers, I want their happy lead feet to get busted.

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I'm thinking that a lifestyle tweaking may be in order. Writing and reading into the wee hours of the night is leading to a disastrous home and a heavy dependence on caffeine and Hershey bars. At my current investment level, I should own Pennsylvania and Brazil by Christmas but they'll be buried under unfolded laundry and dirty mugs with coffee reheat rings.


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As if having Facebook and e-mail on my Crackberry wasn't bad enough. Dummy me decided that I should add Twitter Berry to my repertoire. Stupid little blinking red light.

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I forgot how much I love NPR. The music makes me feel smart; the personalities have sweet mellow voices and the news is actually pretty close to neutral in its politics. It's like a soothing oasis in the middle of media gone mad.

Well, Whaddya Know?! And other Random Ramblings

I was perusing my blogroll this morning to see who was being witty and fun and stuff and that little blue box on the right hand side caught my eye.

Next Wednesday I will have been hanging out here at The Bowl for a year. Unless I can figure out how to write 93 posts in 5 days, I won't hit my 300 goal but I guess that's what I get for taking the summer off, right?

Anyway, before you get your hopes up let me just go ahead and let you know that there isn't going to be any delightful traffic surge inducing party or contest. And I probably won't even write some hysterical, milk out the nose post.

Quite honestly, I have no clue what I'm going to do. How about a Q & A post? You can grill me and I'll come up with witty answers. I mean after all if you've stuck with me this long you deserve to pick my brain, right? Don't fuss at me if the fruit is not so good. Just go ahead and put your interview questions in the comments and I'll get back to you. Or don't. And now I'm just rambling.

Have a fabulous weekend folks! I'll be gorging on the peanut butter cookies I'm about to make and pretending I'm a duck with all this rain.

(So I was looking for an image of a calendar for this post and when I typed "Calendar" into Photobucket, I got this rabbit. How's that for random?)

Random Updates on Random Stuff

Yes, I managed to completely offend my one French reader and scare them away. I think we all saw that coming!

No, I still have not decided how I am going to celebrate the blogoversaries that are coming up. Yes, you may make your suggestions.

Yes, I am still up in arms about the auto makers bailout. The bailout can buy bad debt and throw more and more money after the financial sector without even the first argument from the public. But the idea of passing more money to the automakers is reprehensible. If you are so outraged by it go buy a car from the automakers and let them get their money the "honest" way. What? You don't have the funds to do that? Why don't you go get a loan? Oh yeah! Because the banks aren't loaning money. So what is happening to all the funds that are supposed to be freed up by the buy up of bad loans and the continuing interest cuts? I forgot. It's being used for bonuses. Silly me!

Shove it! Can we please do something to keep people in jobs? Beloved told me this morning that 30% of FedEx's business comes from GM. Still want to let GM go under?

I'm supposed to be updating you aren't I? Sorry. Let's see. Thank you to everyone who commented on my rant Saturday and on my faith tale yesterday. I'm still not sure what the point of my writing yesterday was.

I found Nadya Suleman's vlog yesterday although I can't remember where. Can we talk about selective information? You have to give her credit. She sure knows how to paint a good picture. And now that there is no one objective hanging around I guess that's the picture everyone will see. Good luck.

Oh and if you are needing a great chuckle today you absolutely must pop over to Jiggety Jigg's place and watch her movie. The Lego people are cracking me up!

I think that's about it for now. I'l probably be back in a while for a real news round up. Or not. We'll see.

Apparenly I am a 74 Year Old Woman...

With a teenie bopper fetish.

Yes ladies and gentlemen I am about to blog about my spam. And no I'm not talking the canned meat but there WAS a great M*A*S*H on the other day that that involved Spam and it was pretty darn funny. I love Alan Alda. Oh and Harry Morgan - he's cute for a little old guy. Now where was I? Oh yes. Spam.

I think I have laughed harder at my inbox the last few weeks than at anything else. It started with Ethel DeWitt. Now I think I have only known one woman named Ethel and she was the most wonderful woman on the planet. I still have a blanket that she made for us that I regularly snuggle under with the kids. But let's keep in mind that as long as I knew her she was 70+ so when you send me an e-mail from "Ethel" I'm seeing a very old, very tiny woman who raised Indian popcorn. You know the multicolored decoartive ears of corn that you see in the fall? I strayed again didn't I? Sorry.

Here's where the laughter starts. The subject line on my email from Ethel was "I don't know if you got my first note." Of course I blip it as spam without a second thought. But then my college roommate calls and says, "Hey! I've been trying to e-mail you from work but I don't know if I have the right address." My roommate is temporarily working as a long term substitute teacher for a woman who is on maternity leave so I thought perhaps she was using this stranger's email to contact me. "Oh! You're Ethel!"

"I'm WHO?!" I told her the story and of course she burst into hysterical laughter and tears because, well, she's not Ethel. So we've been having a great time with this whole thing and I have taken on the alter ego of "Myrtle."

Now for the teenie bopper fetish. I don't know whose blog I visited last week that flagged me as a porn stalker but suddenly I am getting all kind of spam about "newly legal teens with wild animals" and "new young boobs for the shooting." (Can't wait to see the keywords this week!) So not only am I being mistaken for Maxine of greeting card fame but now Maxine is branching out from the psycho dog she always has with her.

And that brings us to today. The sender is "Carlo." The subject line reads, "This is Hazel and I've been trying to reach you." Seriously? Let me guess the first line reads "I have to send this to you from my 17 year old grandson's account because mine got hacked by a naked zebra who was partying with the newly legal chicks at a photoshoot I was doing."

I promise you that I don't make this stuff up. It really happens to me. Ok so maybe I do a little techincolor touch up with the commentary but I assure you that this really IS my life. Did I mention that next time I'm coming back as a dog?

But I refuse to do any naked canine photo shoots. Unless they're done tastefully.

Let's be Real!

Last night while I was cruising around Bloggy Land I started looking at some profile pics and of course thinking about mine. This is the large version of my profile pic.

Aren't we all so cute and pretty?

But see when I'm sitting here at the computer writing to you and cruising your pages, this is totally NOT what I look like. How about a good dose of reality this morning? Here's what you would see if you could look through your page and see me on the other side.

(Obviously, I don't look that bored when I'm on your page but the web cam was not cooperating this morning and I was annoyed.)

So let's study this for a minute.

A. That would be the ever present ball cap that stays on my head to hide the fact that I haven't showered or even glanced in the direction of a hairbrush in 12 hours.

B. Present from fall to spring, you are now seeing the very fashionable hooded sweatshirt (one of 3 options). This is used to mask exhibit D but we'll get to that in a minute.

C. Please notice the total lack of makeup and the glaring presence of dark circles and bleariness. I don't wear makeup except for church and the bleariness is courtesy of sleeping in my contacts yet again.

D. The syrup and jelly stained shirt. That I slept in.

And you people wonder why I don't vlog very often. I'm just saying. I'm very glad that blogging is something I can do with a computer screen between you and me.

Have you Ever...?

Have you ever been in the middle of your bathroom cleaning routine only to turn around and find a naked child?

Have you ever sent a three line e-mail to a friend and when you were done found a child with diaper cream from eyebrows to mid scalp?

Have you ever reached for the milk only to find an empty jug?

Have you ever heard someone talking and suddenly realized in mid search that it's you - talking to yourself?

Have you ever decided that the smell really isn't worth finding anyway?

Just checking. I need to feel normal today.

Shhhh...Don't tell!

I think I might be caught up on my To Do list again!

No, I will not be dancing today. Although..that's not a bad idea. It's chilly and windy here so dancing and getting the blood flowing wouldn't be a bad idea. But for today I think I'll stick to the tea.

Anyway, as I was saying before my brain took a side trip, I think I might be caught up! Insomnia is good for something anyway. I got most of my housework done last night while I was trying to wear myself out and shut my brain down so now it is 5 PM and I get to sit down with a cup of tea and a book or my embroidery.

It's amazing what happens when one decides to focus. For the past two weeks I've had the focus of a goldfish. And though the beginning of this post does not reflect it, I think I've finally gotten my head together. But I was wondering...

How to you refocus? I can't be the only person on the planet that gets sidetracked and can't get anything done from time to time. I mean, there are days when I feel like I'm running up a mudslide! For me it's a matter of just making up my mind and setting short goals.

So what do you do to focus? How often do you have to dial in?

The Downside of a finished To Do list.

You have nothing else to do with your day. So here are a few snapshots of my day.

I watched C-SPAN. I hate politics!

When C-SPAN finally broke me I went to bake brownies. In the middle of mixing the brownies, I heard, "I have a booger. Can you pick it?"

After picking the booger and washing my hands (twice) I finished the brownies.

As I slid the brownies into the oven, I heard screaming from the back yard. "I stepped in dog poo!!" And I knew he had no shoes on. So what did he do? Tried to pick it off thus getting dog poo on his hand. Then he tried to come into the house to wash it all off! Not on your life S.M. Rhino!!

After washing the poo off I chilled while C-SPAN tallied the votes.

Then the baby got up and had lunch. Which was followed by going to pick up the Orangutan. And now we are home. No boogers. No dog poo. But plenty of brownies.

Which might explain this....

The Playroom from the Nether Regions.

My office (ok, so it's my desk) sits right next to the playroom. I hate it - the playroom I mean. I am kind of fond of my desk. The chair is really comfy. And it spins. What was I saying?

Oh yeah! The playroom. I hate it. It will not stay tidy. I know it will never be "clean." It IS a playroom after all. But does it have to look like Kansas in the summer all the time? I would just like to be able to see the Emerald City carpet for more than minutes at a time.

Ok, so I am not the most disciplined about making sure the kids put away the toys when they are done. And I should probably stop letting them bring snacks down if I would like to stop stepping in questionable stuff. The funky smell would probably diminish if I would make sure the sippy cups got back upstairs at the end of the day.

But I guess the part that bothers me most is when we clean up. I end up doing the lion's share of the work. The whining that goes with the cleaning is enough to make me want to throw everything out and tell them to stare at the walls. And I forget that five and three year olds have yet to figure out logic. So when I say, "I didn't play with them - I shouldn't be cleaning them up" it pretty much qualifies as wasted breath.

Beloved reminded me that once upon a time (when we first moved in three short years ago) this was OUR den. Our place to hang out after the kids went to bed. Soft lighting, over stuffed couch, a little entertainment center with TV and DVD. A haven if you will.

Now the flourescents are on all day every day glaring at me from above like I am a burger on a warmer. The couch has been chewed up, juiced up, and recovered twice. The entertainment center has become combination entertainment center, toy chest and art board. No more haven. Just a playroom.

But it keeps them happy and I can referee the wrestling matches from my comfy spinning chair. I guess I can make the sacrifice to the Playroom gods.

The Roll Coaster of Randomness

Don't ask me. My brain was full and I had to dump. Good luck on the ride and keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times.

Unsolicited Product Testing
I was invited to test out Noodleboro (new games by Playskool). I agreed because a mom can only put so many floor puzzles together so many times before she starts looking for the sharpest fork in the drawer. I was contemplating which eye I could live with out the easiest today when the FedEx man rang the door bell. Why do they do that? Now the dog was going off; Mo was inviting him to "Cooooome iiiin!" and Tuck was screaming, "Is it for me? Is it for me?"

We got the Sharing game and I have to tell you it's pretty darn cool. If you really want my full review you can find it here. But I will say this much. If you need to teach some basic social skills (listening, sharing, manners) to preschoolers you'll be interested. It's a really cool set up. So score one for Product Testing.

I pushed my luck a little and went to neighbor's and borrowed his Dyson. I've seen the commercials; I've drooled (hey, I didn't say my life wasn't small!). Now I'm not so sure. Maybe it was the model he had (DC2007) but I am not impressed. Mr. Dyson either doesn't have toddlers or he failed to have a mother of a toddler test his product before market.

Sure it sucked the dust and dog hair out of the mat under the carpet but I ran over a string four times and still ended up picking it up myself. The Bissell Boys would have sucked it up from a good foot away! Granted it would have just wrapped around the beater bar and jammed up the works for other stuff later but out of sight....

Mark that off my Christmas list.

Jello. Not something I enjoy but today I tried again. Have you seen the new Blackberry Fusion? Pretty good stuff for Jello. And I learned that we have a Mickey. You know "try it you'll like it" Mikey? That would be our Munch. No one wanted to try the Jello until she tore into it like it was chocolate dipped chocolate. Same thing goes for cantaloupe, watermelon, tomatoes, and pretty much anything she can beat the dog to.

Did I get anything done today? What do you think? With all this nonsense going on in my head I am not even sure if I made a to do list today! I did whack the tops off all the holly from Medusa's hair salon. Those things were out of control!! And I might be allergic. The spots where it pricked me (nasty stuff that it is!) keep turning red then fading then turning red again. Who put holly on the list of cool Christmas stuff anyway? Wrong answer people!

Are you dizzy yet? Did I send you for enough loops? I hope you enjoyed your ride on the Roller Coaster of Randomness. We here at Toilet Bowl Amusements thank you for coming. Please come again!

Welcome to Black Saturday

I know as women we really hate it when guys blame our moods on PMS. By the same token, I hate it when women use PMS as an excuse for their behavior. Nothing gives you the right to be ugly and just downright mean. There's still a call for manners and common courtesy.

That being said - I won't be leaving the house today. It's Black Saturday. The day in the pill pack when I am mean and spiteful and I pick fights and I yell and I'm grumpy and just ugly in general. But I know I'm that way. So I avoid people and I avoid putting myself in situations where tact and kindness are required.

And it always happens that the children refuse to listen or they pitch fits for no reason or they are whiny. So on top of my already grumpy hormonal state of mind, I have to deal with kid drama. Did I mention that beloved always gets stuck at the office for at least a full extra hour if not 2 every Black Saturday? And he really does get stuck. It's not that he realizes it's Black Saturday and he's avoiding coming home - he's oblivious; it's just my bad luck.

So here it is. Black Saturday. My house hasn't been cleaned in a week because I've been sick so I've taken BS out on the house. The laundry and the kitchen are all that is left and it's not even lunch time yet.

Wow that was cleansing. Maybe admitting you have a problem really IS the first step to recovery.