Apparenly I am a 74 Year Old Woman...

With a teenie bopper fetish.

Yes ladies and gentlemen I am about to blog about my spam. And no I'm not talking the canned meat but there WAS a great M*A*S*H on the other day that that involved Spam and it was pretty darn funny. I love Alan Alda. Oh and Harry Morgan - he's cute for a little old guy. Now where was I? Oh yes. Spam.

I think I have laughed harder at my inbox the last few weeks than at anything else. It started with Ethel DeWitt. Now I think I have only known one woman named Ethel and she was the most wonderful woman on the planet. I still have a blanket that she made for us that I regularly snuggle under with the kids. But let's keep in mind that as long as I knew her she was 70+ so when you send me an e-mail from "Ethel" I'm seeing a very old, very tiny woman who raised Indian popcorn. You know the multicolored decoartive ears of corn that you see in the fall? I strayed again didn't I? Sorry.

Here's where the laughter starts. The subject line on my email from Ethel was "I don't know if you got my first note." Of course I blip it as spam without a second thought. But then my college roommate calls and says, "Hey! I've been trying to e-mail you from work but I don't know if I have the right address." My roommate is temporarily working as a long term substitute teacher for a woman who is on maternity leave so I thought perhaps she was using this stranger's email to contact me. "Oh! You're Ethel!"

"I'm WHO?!" I told her the story and of course she burst into hysterical laughter and tears because, well, she's not Ethel. So we've been having a great time with this whole thing and I have taken on the alter ego of "Myrtle."

Now for the teenie bopper fetish. I don't know whose blog I visited last week that flagged me as a porn stalker but suddenly I am getting all kind of spam about "newly legal teens with wild animals" and "new young boobs for the shooting." (Can't wait to see the keywords this week!) So not only am I being mistaken for Maxine of greeting card fame but now Maxine is branching out from the psycho dog she always has with her.

And that brings us to today. The sender is "Carlo." The subject line reads, "This is Hazel and I've been trying to reach you." Seriously? Let me guess the first line reads "I have to send this to you from my 17 year old grandson's account because mine got hacked by a naked zebra who was partying with the newly legal chicks at a photoshoot I was doing."

I promise you that I don't make this stuff up. It really happens to me. Ok so maybe I do a little techincolor touch up with the commentary but I assure you that this really IS my life. Did I mention that next time I'm coming back as a dog?

But I refuse to do any naked canine photo shoots. Unless they're done tastefully.