Dear French Visitor,

(This is going to be quick tonight because we are into day five of this headache that will only be controlled by Excedrine and vast gallons of coffee.)

Dear French Visitor,

Who are you?! You stalk me - I mean pop by every time a post goes up so I have to think you might be getting e-mail alerts. And while I appreciate your readership - BIG TIME! - because you make me feel important what with creating an international following and all, I'm just curious as to who you are!

BTW! OC, I know you stalk me too and while yes, you are international, you really count as family now because I "see" you all the time. But this isn't about you although if my French friend decides to respond in his or her native tongue I may need your services. That is if you even speak French. Hey! This isn't about you!

Dear French Visitor,

Or person who routes their searches through France to throw the government spies off your trail. Wow! You're even cooler now! I feel like maybe you might be Matt Damon as Jason Bourne? Ooooh! How awesome would that be? I should put on dark glasses and buy a disposable phone just in case you finally decide to contact me. I can sing the Mission Impossible theme. Does that qualify me to join your spy ring? Ooo! And if it helps I can kill stuff with my thumbs (bugs mostly) and pick things up with my toes! Hey, I'm a mom. We run out of available body parts sometimes!

Dear French Visitor,

It was nice knowing you before I went off the deep end and drove you away with my sideways tirades and outlandish ramblings. I like the word "outlandish." Don't you France? I bet you guys use it to describe the American loonies (aka me) all the time, don't you? "You zimplee must see zis bogg-aire! She is zee most outland-ISH pairSON I 'ave ever seen!"

And if you hadn't run at the spy bit I'm pretty sure my hideous (another fun word) phonetic depiction of your accent just threw the shoe at my head. Well, enjoy your wine and cheese. I was hoping for a airline ticket so that I could come ramble to you in person but who invites a psycho to their house?

Au Revoir (and that's probably spelled wrong too!)